Wednesday, August 16, 2006

they call me seinfeld

1. what's the deal with dogs barking constantly? don't they get bored? I want to run outside and just howl and bark and growl loudly back. screaming shut the fuck up is probably too crazy i'm thinking.

2. what's the deal with haircuts? why do they always insist on 'styling' my pelt into a stick straight anchorperson do? this very nice dude spent literally 30 minutes blow drying my hair. then he cut little bits off the top everywhere which i know will turn into a frizzy halo in my capable hands. why do they do this? walking home the neighbors declared that I looked like that lady on tv? who? the "friends" people? that's how cheesy i feel. i have a rachel cut now - now where are my suspender pants? it seemed ok at the place but upon leaving maybe not so much.

3. why can't i motivate towards the shack? why? i am coming up with all kinds of lame excuses, haircut, taco night, freelance stuff I could do at beige but then when i am there i cannot muster the enthusiasm. i am damaged. I just order 2 new pairs of sweats, ice blue and snowflake. if you buy 2 you get one free but they didn't tell me what color. i have a feeling it will be purple.

53 comments:

fairy butler said...

luckily i have the sweats on now. i am heading for some i.c.

i cannot wait for the freedom from the beige. i know it will be a very temporary freedom, a freedom that will entail much, much harder work, but i cannot wait.

fairy butler said...

hopefully rejection and failure will not be a large part of the freedom from beige. hopefully ice water and ramen, beans and carrot sticks, popcorn and off brand pop will not become my norm. i fear.

sloth said...

Hi FB! I am x-tra smelly tonight. In answer to your very good questions:

1. Raw meat with NyQuil marinade

2. Hairdresser conspiracy

3. Perhaps you have read my best-selling book: "Studio Avoidance Techniques, A-Z?" You've given me a good idea for the next edition. I will replace the "H" entry, which is currently listed as "hitting yourself in the head with a hammer," with your more respectable "haircut" method. You will be duly cited, of course.

sloth said...

p.s. hooray for freedom! I think this is going to be very, very good for you & your reliques.

peeds said...

FB, you crack me up so much. When I read the title and first line of this post...I nearly choked on my omega 3 pill.
I am always mortified after getting a haircut. I also tip something like 40% and skulk outta there cursing under my breath. It is very, very traumatic. I bet once you get rid of their stylings...you'll look gorgeous.

krixfort said...

you guys are killing me!

fb, the dog bark thing. . .I am going for the not so subtle tactic of throwing knives at the offenders behind my cave to get the incessant barks to stop.

I'm goign to practice my knife throwing today at beige and maybe parlay it into a new career.

fairy butler said...

pd,i too always over tip! i feel bad the guy worked so hard to get every small wave, every small kink outta my hair. it was slicked down and glossy dark I have to admit but I felt like a complete psycho walking home. It's fine now - actually not bad. That's what you get getting a cheap-o haircut last minute. I couldn't commit to making an app't with my regular ? Cuckoo.

Sloth, that hairstyle page is super. I saw someone this morning with a borderline style on the bedford stop, of course. i couldn't decide, but the whole package was a pinch too much. This is a fun game i play sometimes in the morning on my way to beige.

fairy butler said...

the style reminded me of bernadette peters but dark hair. see - - borderline.

krix, what is with people getting dogs and then just leaving them outside, no walks, little attention? WHY GET A DOG AT ALL? I will buy them a stuffed animal. They can do the same with that, right? ONe with batteries that barks(softly). Our neighbors have a new dog (not one of the rape pack) that growls like a fucking tiny devil hyena. I find myself saying things like, "that dog is gonna bite that little girl's face off one of these days" etc. It's crazy sounding. And still a puppy. ARthur has promised me that he will remark on it, like, is that dog a total out of control devil or what. Again, what is with these people and the dogs outside? I don't get it.

fairy butler said...

newsflash: i actually felt a smidge of sympathy for one of the homeless in the encampment yesterday. i spotted old baldy just waking up and staring at his empty hands and really did feel bad for a second. incredible.

pd said...

FB, I have gotten such bad cuts that I never go to the same place twice. I am running out of options. At this point it is psychological.

I want to just have a closet full of wigs.

fb said...

peeds, your locks always look good to me - - or are you really a blonde with tight curls and you've been fooling us with a wig all this time?

pd said...

Actually, I am bald. Someone switched my Pantene for Nair and it just never grew back.

sloth said...

what is that evil Nair smell, anyway? They try to mask it with a flowery scent, but that just makes it worse somehow.

hammy said...

sorry about your hairs FB. I bet it will look good when you "style" it though. The dogs are another story. Sedatives in wet dog food maybe? I had to play Noah's Ark for 2 hours last night.

fairy butler said...

wow hams, i'm impressed that you've been keeping up with the ark. I kind of burned through that game in a white hot fury. (i am sure you could kick my ass) so, when are you going to start the new hampaw blog??

hammy said...

I made it to level 30 this week. But still haven't gone above Super Beastmaster. I am scared to start a Hampaw blog. I am an embarrasing person. I will look into it though.

krixfort said...

there needs to be a hampaw blog I am thinking.

FB, the stuffed animal idea is great. I am going to rescue all of the abandoned yard dogs and replace with sock monkeys. I'm unsure of what to do with the dogs afterward. Teach them to write code maybe.

sloth said...

Put 'em on the ark... ark, ark.

oh god. sorry.

fb said...

oh sloth. you've really hit bottom with that one. sadly i love it!

hampaw, do not fret about the blog. if you want to do it you know you will have many readers and it might prove a distraction from the ark. that's all.

i'm already hungry. half hour to go. i just ordered an external harddrive for our sad little mac at home. arthur and I are going to become IT people in the next few weeks and zap it. Also, i am in the market for a cheap and/or old PC of any sort. I just need it for QA - somethign that can run latest browers for windows users.

fb said...

also i am looking for a visor with a penlight attachment and a chickenwire cage.

sloth said...

FB, I am making you a visor out of scotch tape. It's taking a while to build up enough layers, but it's getting there. I don't have a penlight... will a tire gauge do?

Hi Hammy! You can have my blog. 5 cents cheep! Gets okay mileage, no major accidents. I was thinking about driving it into a tree, but if you're in the market...

fairy butler said...

sloth, you must KEEP you blog for always, no driving into the tree. i say.

i can't work anymore. must get out of here. bored, vaguely anxious about trip tomorrow. shnarfs.

toodster said...

http://www.davidlynch.de/angry.html

In response to the barking dog continum.

hams said...

Slothy, what are you talking about? Don't drive into the tree. Drive into the spaceship!

God. I wish I could act normal. Can't.

sloth said...

No, hams, don't! Normal is zzzzzzzzzzzz.........

MM said...

I am afraid my blog is dead. I have nothing to say. I may be hiding in a troglodyte cave, I may never come out. But please I hope to have you as my friends still. I feel weird. I am a toilet.

MM said...

What has happened to the inspiration. I think I am truly dead. I can't write these days, I can't even think. Plus I have aged like 20 years in 2 months. I have never looked more heinous. Bags under the eyes. Ugliness. Sorry to sully your blog FB. I am a sham.

mountain man said...

OK this is the last incursion on your blog. I try to log onto my stupid blog and it takes forever then it freezes then I have to log in again and basically it is so annoying that i don't have the patience. I barely have patience anyway. Anyway. I am pointless. There are glue puddles on my scabs on my legs. I want harm to dissipate. I crave granola.

Loud Gunshots said...

Listen it wasn't the last comment but I am telling you I am hearing the gunshots in the distance. I am hoping it is campers being slaughtered. Shhhhh.

fairy butler said...

mm, you are beautious and loved! not heinous. you will return to a.t. when the time is right, ie. when you have a better connection. no worries. we are waiting....

MM said...

Sorry for the outbursts FBeeber. I needed to express myself.

hammy said...

MM!! you are lovely. Your inspiration is flowing into your paintings right now. Artistic thoughts can wait til you come back. You don't belong in a toilet. You are super loved.

AlsoArthur said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihAoSwQqo44

Toodly posted on anutha forum. It belongs here even if you don't get the 'all your base' reference. It is retarded. In a way good way.

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