I finished Ann Patchett's Truth and Beauty last night in a total bender. It's a memoir about a friendship between 2 writers, one being the author and the other being Lucy Grealy, a poet who was made famous with her "Autobiography of a Face" about her struggle with many, many facial reconstruction surgeries after childhood cancer. (has anyone read this?) Grealy died a few years ago. There was a lot about the book i could relate to - the struggle to be an artist (whatever, i'm a dork) and the places they lived, iowa city, provincetown, the residency circuit, new york... i highly recommend it. It's a sad story in the end. God, this blog post is not doing it justice.
Okay, so, in short, i am so glad to be able to know so many compelling, intelligent, ambitious, interesting friends. I feel so lucky. I related to the artistic/intellectual/honest relationship between Ann and Lucy and know how special it is to have friends like that. The book also struck a nerve in me about all the friends I have lost touch with over the years. Other women, mostly, who I don't see so much anymore. this happens I know. But most of all the story made me think of an old dear friend J, who I just sort of cut off from because her illness and the distance between us was getting to be too much for me to handle. I had to do it I guess, but reading Ann's story I felt like I failed my friend a little. J became profoundly mentally ill and has subsequently struggled to keep it together, but when I met her in high school she was so mysterious, so funny, creative, smart and interesting - just different from everyone in a great way. We became fast friends - pretty close friends. I also helped her along, did what I could. I don't know. I feel sometimes like she is gone as she isn't really the same as back then. It's weird and complicated.
Apologies for this long-winded meandering post with little point. Just ruminating out loud. Read the book.
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24 comments:
after finishing this book i feel a little guilty i guess and sad. I guess it's reflecting a little for me and it makes me wonder if I should try and say hello to J. ? Losing a friend is hard, be it to drugs or mental illness or whatever. I dunno. this book freaked me out.
It's really hard to be friends with people who are going through the crazies. I've been on both sides of the equation and it sucks for everyone involved.
The only people who can help people with mental illness are psychiatrists. Friends can be there to a certain extent, but it's like expecting to be able to cure a friend of diabetes. It doesn't matter how good a friend you are --- it's no replacement for insulin.
i was there for years for my friend. I tried, but then i just let it peter out. It got weird. It's heartbraking and you're right daiel - it sucks on all sides. I thought about making contact again, but wonder what my reason is, you know? Do I just want to be the hero, the nice gal, to quell my insides? It seems like my friend is better and then really sick. again and again. What to do.
excuse the typos. schnarfs.
it's interesting how a book can bring out all the unfinished feelings and such. it really had me reeling last night - dreams and all.
That's why I don't read anything but books and magazine articles that I've written myself.
Hey FB. It is a hard thing. I had a similar problem with an alcoholic friend who I stuck with when everyone else had to just let her go. Finally I realized I could not help her and let her go too. She died alone from her disease. Oh, sorry, I know this is a terrible thing to write on your blog, but your post kinda got me all choked up. And I know it is different, because alcoholism is a different sort of illness. Anyway, not sure if I can get through that book, although you are the third person I know to praise it.
sorry again.
whoa pd. that's awful. my god. full on dependency is just the most devastating thing. thankfully no one close to me has gone off the deep end with that. sometimes you see it coming but it's still terrible - unbelievable somehow. you want to ask the person, how did you let it get so bad? how are you so out of control? arthur and I have a friend from the hometown we are worried about right now. the boys had a chat on the phone and it seems that this person is moving away from the trouble zone but ??
the book is touching and honest and it must've taken some guts to write. some people on blogs ahve beeen criticizing ann p. for capitalizing from her friend's death and fame but i don't see it that way.
ok, i am getting a migraine. sight is funny on the right.
no apologies pd, i opened this can o'worms. feeling out of sorts today. it helps to blog about.
I'd like to open a can of beer rights about now. Is that wrong to say after my last comment?
peeds, i am cackling softly at my desk! i am ready - make mine a g&t. keep in mind i can't see or focus on my right side now. i think it's time for candy. jesus, i really can't see.
Sorry you are feelin' so bad. A g&t and lots of sugar in the form of gummy bears may help.
i usually don't get the headache part. i am eating starbursts as precaution. i really just want to go home and lie down with the kitten.
You just lose your eyesight with no headache? I get the pounding headache and nausea.
FB, your post is really touching and honest -- it's so difficult to maintain a friendship that's out of balance; you just have to trust your own instincts about how much is too much and when a friendship isn't working. You do have a lot of old friends; more than the average, it seems, which is a testament to your own compelling, intelligent, ambitious, interesting self, and your ability to maintain relationships. It's admirable.
I've heard/read about this book; it sounds really good. I'll check it out.
Migraines suck. My ex used to get really terrible ones... now he takes medicine that makes him bruise easily, so he always looks like he's been in a fight.
You are so right about the FB's qualities, Slothy.
aw shucks guys... our substance abusing friend was hanging out with our mentally ill friend in our old hometown. through him i hear that J is NOT doing well again but he said that if I wrote her it would mean a lot to her. So I think, i should, right? But before I kind of broke it off she was calling me daily - too much dependence. awkwardness. our friendship wasn't the same. it wasn't even at all. so mixed up.
re: migraine. it has dissipated. really. i think sugar helps and even if it's placebo - hey i feel better. a wee bit of the nausea but i can live with that. i have luckily only had atypical migraine - only a few times having the dark room puke headache. it's like 2-3 times a year.
Pain-free migraine sounds kind of... psychedelic? Sort of a little bit cool? Like you see what kind of weird stuff happens to your vision, smells, sounds etc... or does it just suck?
Once I woke up in the middle of the night feeling funny & looked in the bathroom mirror and I swear one pupil was huge and the other one small. Don't know if it was a hallucination or real. Then recently I came across this blog & saw that Ze Frank has uneven pupils all the time. So now I don't feel so special.
uneven pupils are better than one blue and one green eye i think. more subtle. more off-putting.
Meh. I miss the old J. dearly as well, but I fear the new J. and keep my distance. I hope she is well.
FB, you are a kind friend to want to reach out. Its best to figure out your limits first though, especially with peeps who could spiral out of control. It's kind of a tight rope walk.
good post by the way. just sayin'.
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