Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Is it just me?

Question before I head to the shack in a few minutes. Almost every day I find that I must wrestle with the a nest of profound disillusionment. Lack of all meaning in world, life, planet, human consciousness - general and immense lack of hope. This wrestling is very tiring, annoying, sad and frustrating. It comes often upon leaving beige. Is it just me or is this normal? How is one supposed to know what to do and what to want? I am inept at this and have fucked up or something. Or is it that I need mental discipline, or more distractions, or more hard labor to wear out the body and spirit so that I will be thankful to have a glass of water and a dirty pillow on which to lay my head at night. Please sir can you spare a crust of bread?

I need metal bars on the interior of my soft skull as it is too permeable to the nasty questions and general direness. Is it me? I can say that the current administration and state of this country do not help matters AT ALL.

Okay, I am going to the shack now. I fear the meaning i seek will not be found there either but perhaps I will look around at least.

82 comments:

martin said...

it isn't just you, but maybe you a little more than normal. i feel the same way OFTEN, but it also passes easily.

your backyard is so nice! mom also has nice long legs and curvy bum. can i say that? i think will post my mom for mother's day.

sloth said...

FB! fb, fb, fb... this is perfectly norms, methinks. For the sloth species, the thoughts come either (1) in the middle of the night, or (2) first thing in the morning, or (3) random moments throughout the day.

I recently received a tortured email from one who chose midwest suburbs/family; this email expressed envy of the vividness and freedom of an artist's live in NYC. Makes me think that the human condition is one of occasional self-torture, no matter what the circumstances.

also for example:
http://www.bigfib.com/issue66/world4-en.html

Cry me a river, Billy-boy! Har-har...

love and hugs.

sloth said...

and p.s. If you didn't see the Daily Show tonight, check out the re-run tomorry... this is the hope and the salvation. A handful of brilliant comedians are shining the bright light of humor on the path of truth. We will get thru this dark time, fb. promise.

Mountain Man said...

FB I couldn't love you more. Maybe I could. I will try. But your questioning is the most sincere thorough attempt to be a real person. Very human. I can relate. I sat in my studio tonight, packing up to move and just stared. It's all so incomprehensible. All this labor and stuff. I am less than profound at 1:30 am....I like to quote The Shags - "Who are Parents?" I feel this sums it up.

pd said...

I am like a shaggy dog working for my Scooby snacks. Is that a mixed metaphor?
FB, I am so happy you are back and questioning with your wonderful ways. I usually feel this way on the packed #2 train on my way to beige. I always envision myself with an actual savings account loaded with money and a map with all my dream places marked in red. This often goes away when I leave the beige.

Early morning is the most questioning time.

Hugs to you and my ether pals. Scooby snacks all around!

fairy butler said...

hi ether friends! You guys make me feel so much better!!! Thank yous from the bottom of my being. I hope you do not mind the unloading - you are used to it, yes? And martin is right, it totally does pass. I think i get this way more when I do not have enough time alone/time in studio (which sounds like opposite logic but it is not). I have tender roots and get easily drained like the newly planted hydrangea that is dying in yard. Even though mom visit was swell... it tires me out.

sloth, you are right that the human condition is suffering, it just is. and it passes. But ugh. sometimes. I think this beige gets to me too which i truly need to remedy.

Also, what to do with ambition. I am hardwired to be a driven person and am constantly trying to temper the psycho nature. It is uncomely. I have totally mellowed out in the last few years if you can believe it but still I struggle with it. Where to place it - what to do with it. When enough is enough.

Ok, this is long now. I am awaiting tomorrow eve's unveiling of the mm relics. the antennae are sproingy and glittering. Anyone want to meet for a pre-cocktail early-after work?

fairy butler said...

The Shaggs are so wonderful MM. I actually really like their musix. And sloth, I missed last night's Daily Show and Colbert. Poops. Those two shows are my lifeline for real.

burrito brother said...

hey fb,
thanks for the shout-out yesterday. much apprec.
i'm going to enter the inky depths with you and agree that modern life is brain torture. i now barrage my co-workers daily with threats of my quitting. why am i even a part of this horrific train wreck called the art world? shouldn't we all just be farmers? work the soil?
i think what bothers me the most is that i keep secretly expecting that my relics will soon, in the not too distant future, be appreciated by all and the naysayers will find the light and say 'you were right, what you've done here is AMAZING...' but A: why do i care? and B: even if i were to become 'succesful' still only the tiny-est fragment of a freakish outcast society would even know my name and only the tiny-est fragment of them would even appreciate the relics for real. I think we put ourselves in this sinking ship on purpose, fb, psychologically speaking.

krixfort said...

hi fb. I HEART this post and everyone's comments.

Everyday I look at this little sign on the side of the phone booth on 6th and 16th that tells me what the lotto jackpot is up to. Then I try to think of what I would do if I didn't ever have to worry about the moneys. Usually I can can only get one thought out of my brain before it all jumbles up on itself and I can't think anymore.

Today's lotto thought: buy pants that fit.

fairy butler said...

Ugh, that's tough bb. Of course everyone wants their work to have an audience and be respected - and you do have that BB! small steps. persistance. It's a crazy thing to make art - I think one of the hardest paths one can choose. We should receive gold trophies I think. Or at least a little grant money or something...

krixfort said...

Fb, also, I have the most profound respect for you and all the blogger artists for your commitment in persuing the relic creations. I hope that you never stop. What you guys do transcends all this bullshit that we have to endure on a daily basis.

To be able to think about and look at art, enjoy music, a good read/film/play/blog/etc. all of that. . .for me anyway, it's curative.

fairy butler said...

I know krix - there is the 'taking care of business' (money making) and the 'dreams and aspirations' stuff that are constantly waging war in my life. Arthur is always asking me to play the lotto.

Sometimes I wish I just didn't think and just consumed - lost many IQ points, bought a SUV, and watched a lot of television with my 2 kids. And was happy with it all.

fairy butler said...

I really think that the state of our country, where it is headed, has increased my persistant anxiety. I feel that the values (?) that are celebrated in this country are not my values, the lifestyle held up as virtuous/normal not my lifestyle. I feel very alienated from this country. Feel like a sucker sometimes. This adds to my freakiness. When Bush was re-elected my first thought was that I better hop on a different career and focus on money but it is all going downhill. of course I haven't done this, but? My feelings get tied into the fact of this country and definitley NYC being a have and have-not place. I don't know which side of the fence I am on...

krixfort said...

nnngh. Fb. I think about that too sometimes.

back when I was with the cubes, for a split second I thought about moving out to central Jersey near the strip mall with the quickie mart. . .HA! just kidding.

krixfort said...

did you read the latest poll in the NYT today? kind of hopeful as much as a poll can be.

fairy butler said...

As I get older the message I am hearing more & more is make more money. So I can afford to raise a child and send it to a school that isn't completely awful. So I can just do normal stuff. Then I wonder is it lifestyle or class? I expect to be in a certain class and live a certain way and find that things don't really add up like that?

hammy said...

Hi FB, you are not alone. My danger thoughts occur around my job. Lots of people hate their jobs so I feel like I am being self indulgent to expect satisfaction. Maybe it is that art making is fulfilling and I get teased into expecting it. Maybe this wish for meaning is good and I am lucky to be an idealist. I don't know. I find it hard to work jobs that don't use my energy to do good in the world. But it is my choice to live in NYC where I can't afford to work the jobs which would make me happy. So maybe I should get out of here so I can live a decent life and not get run over by cars.

fairy butler said...

What poll Krix? I haven't looked at the times yet.

fairy butler said...

Hams, I wonder if it is really different out of the city? Do you think? But then there is less culture and people like-minded. it's a trade off. For us Arthur's job is centered in big city. I'm a little more flex.

krixfort said...

ughs Fb. I cannot think about the have/have-not-ishness of NYC. I looked in the window of a real estate place over by the art forest. It wasn't that the rents were prohibitive. . .they were undo-able. If my entire monthly net income went toward rent for the place I liked (a modest one bedroom garden apt) I'd STILL be 2 grand in the hole every month.

So instead of thinking, I got a smoothie and walked around, enjoying the sunshine and laughing at the doggie day spa with the dog jacuzzi.

hammy said...

I think the bush admin is making everything worse. Poverty is getting worse and there are a lot of people out there who don't have enough to lose. I feel nervous with a masters degree. I can't imagine how it feels not to have education in this economy.

fairy butler said...

krix, I know! I can't believe how awful the money stuff has become in this city and country. Is it really different than 8 years ago? Or is it that I am getting older so this stuff is more on my mind?

How do I get to move to Norway? Even Canada maybe? It's really fucked up in this city.

I sort of want everything to completely crash.

krixfort said...

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/10/washington/10poll.html?th&emc=th

krixfort said...

hammy, according to the poll, you are not alone in your thoughts.

fairy butler said...

I know Hams. The social state in the country seems tenuous at best. When will the youths start rioting here?

fairy butler said...

Did anyone read the article on contraception/abortion in the times magazine this weekend? USA is inching towards fundamentalist status. taliban usa.

burrito brother said...

Ha, it's funny/interesting. I was just sitting here thinking how much I hate europe and europeans!
it's true, the current administration has focused everyone on the fear of losing their bushels of nuts, but at least there's a SLIM hope of class-hopping here in the US. In the EU you are rich by birthright, that's it, end of story. I'm lucky enough to catch a whiff of these wealthy euros and trust me, it smells a lot like Bush, maybe riper. Things have just gotten so much worse here so fast, that the focus is on the Great Satan. The U.S. used to be like the Beatles. Now it's like Wings. Or actually like Ringo's All-Star Band. Fat, bloated, uncreative. It's sad. Maybe we should all ditch art and go into politics?

krixfort said...

oooohhhh, fb. The youths are too busy with their gameboys and playstations. Why riot in the reals when you can play virtual riot?

Mountain Man said...

Hi. What I am thinking is that the world should explode. That is my intelligent contribution to this conversation.

fairy butler said...

or when you can make 50 bucks selling crack and not giving a shit about anyone but yourself?

fairy butler said...

bb, yes, class is even more ingrained in europe i hear. Maybe the USA is just falling in line with that?

krixfort said...

I just saw that contraception article today FB. FREAKS!!!

I asked Quark and Quasar to find me a new home on their planet.

fairy butler said...

Yes MM! Let the world explode, fountains of lava, thickets of locusts, a-bombs, hurricanes. Yes.

fairy butler said...

If we just keep driving our SUVs and buying cheap crap from india an china I think this explosion stuff will take care of itself.

Mountain Man said...

Let's do an end of the world dance.

I am sorry, I am incapable of having smart thoughts about the world like you guys. I am lost in thickets of nonsense. Anyway. Over and out. I want to smoosh you all.

krixfort said...

end of the world showdown
armageddon ho-down

do si do and a yo ho ho!

I'm gonna go out on 6th now and do a little crazy dance. Maybe ask for cigarettes.

krixfort said...

mm you read my mind.

fairy butler said...

do I dare look at today's nytimes? this is today's dilemma.

Mountain Man said...

I know that was funny. I will see you out on 6th ave. Let's stop traffic.

Corny said...

FB I love this post. Wrestling with the nest is our lot in life I guess. I agree with BB's sentiment "even if i were to become 'succesful' still only the tiny-est fragment of a freakish outcast society would even know my name and only the tiny-est fragment of them would even appreciate the relics for real."

I feel like I want to be understood, but I'm not sure I even know what I am that i want to be understood, Ok, that was convoluted. i guess the big theological question is "what am i" and we answer this in part by how we are reflected, how other people see us, and if we're not seen, it's like we don't exist, but then when we are seen, it's a total let down because you never really feel understood. I think the meaning you seek is in the wrestling, your life is rich and deep because you ask yourself these questions, if you didn't, you'de just be another chode taking up space.

PS. Peace of mind is over-rated or at least unproductive.

burrito brother said...

MM, you obviously have Alazarin poisoning... or Cobalt madness. You need detox.

krixfort said...

FB come and join MM and I in the middle of 6th ave. we are going to lock arms, do high kicks then swing each other around and let go. I am hoping to spin so hard that when MM lets go I will careen off the planet into my own orbit.

Mountain Man said...

Corny, that was profound. Yes. I agree. I think careening is the way to go....

Corny said...

sorry, my post is off track... MM I backing your idea of giant explosion.

fairy butler said...

hi corns, thanks for you thoughtful thoughts. really. I know - it is better to think and suffer a bit than be a stupid choad smoker. tis true. but gah it gets tiring.

burrito brother said...

I'm pissed. I can barely pay my rent even though I have an $80,000 M.C.A (Master of Choade Arts) I'm still paying off...

fairy butler said...

Master of Choade Arts. God that makes me laugh.

still paying mine off too... but i went to cheap school so it is only 65,000,000.

krixfort said...

*shudder* I am dreading graduating and the endentured servitude that will ensue.

Corny said...

my secret fantasy is to be sent to jail where you get 3 meals a day paid for and you don't have to worry about making art.
If you guys stop paying your loans maybe we can all go to jail together, could be fun?

PD said...

So much wisdom here. The explosion suggestion seems very realistic.

BB, I love your insights...as usual.

We should get back to that retirement home idea. Strictly for the etherly.

PD said...

I'd like to go to OZ.

Mountain Man said...

Hams and I always imagined going to a mental hospital for the same reasons, Corny. No responsibilities, meals taken care of. Maybe some yoga. Just check out. This is a wonderful dream. And to stay in the pj's.

fairy butler said...

but now i must begin the code toad.

I will leave with a thought from Daiel this morn:

"I think that the earth has actually been thrown off its axis by the uneven weight distribution between Branson and the rest of the world."

"Do you think the entire population of Darfur weighs about the same as all the tourists in Branson at any given time? I sure do."

hammy said...

I'm ready to blow up the world to go to mental asylum. This asylum will be near hot springs. I will get 3 good meals a day, art materials and plenty of therapy. Jail would be okay except for the toilet/sinks. That seems unsanitary to me.

hammy said...

mm, we wrote this at the same time. HA!

krixfort said...

I'm still going to outer space. I will come down and visit you guys in the asylum from time to time though.

the only problem with choosing outer space over the asylum is the oxygen thing. Also, no thorazine. rats.

burrito brother said...

I'm boycotting work too fb.
Hey, has anyone seen that wierdo japanese porn which is just eastern european gymnasts doing all-nude routines...? For some reason that reminded me of Oz/prison/gymnastics... sorry for the left turn.

Mountain Man said...

Hams I am ready to go. I like the hot springs idea. Don't forget the tranqs.

pd said...

I like the pot of boiling water idea. No need to travel to hot springs.

hams said...

salts. thorazine. tranqs. oxy. I am like a baby bird.

hams said...

do you pour the boiling water over your head or do you stand in the pot? Just wondering because I need maximum results .

krixfort said...

I can't get any work done at all. not that it matters. one less advertisememtn in the world probably won't kill anyone.

krixfort said...

looking at PD's blackened soles, I'd say stand.

hams said...

thanks Krix. I will stand then. I am in a different dept so I feel less like a robot and more like a person. I haven't started with the compulsive Noah's Ark yet today. that usually begins at 3. How is the job going for you lately? Are you happier with the change?

pd said...

Standing sends a jolt through the soles and just shy of the heart. I prefer full immersion for maximum effect. I fill the tub with the boils.

krixfort said...

yes hams, I work with real humans now. They are nice to me and do not torture. They say nice things. No trolls or hookers in site. No prescription drug addled decision makers.

PD said...

Let's see David Blain try that!

hams said...

poor david Blain. I watched him hold his breath and turn blue and cry. He should take your advice next time PD

pd said...

I would never say I told him so...but I told him so.

hammy said...

he won't listen to anyone. It's his own fault and you tried to help.

krixfort said...

congrats ham on the diminished robotics. feeling human = good.

hams said...

Thanks Krix! human is very good!

Regi said...

FB, Add audio to your blog and you will find new fun. My first transmission. Your music posts need audio.

Your garden is looking great. I plan on posting my garden's progress.

JD said...

FB, I'm so sorry I'm late to this chat! It's a topic dear to my heart: Why, why, why??? There is no satisfactory answer. And it all turns into an unsavory and confusing swirl of the personal issues, the art angst, and the political nightmares.

And yes, I did read that birth control article in the Times mag, and it made my blood BOIL!!!!!

krixfort said...

omg. it's only 5. despair. my beige holds me prisoner until 6.

zzzzzzzz.

hi fb.

fairy butler said...

kriz, i hear thee. i am getting the old ants in the pants right about now. i am sick of it here. haven't i done enough for today???

i keep meaning to rewrite my relic statement but bleh. i don't really want to. hates.

peeds said...

I have reduced my relic statement to this:

These are my relics. Take 'em or leave 'em.

krixfort said...

that is an excellent statement peeds.


I need some blood of christ right about now. Are we there yet?

krixfort said...

or a cookie.

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burrito brother said...

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