Friday, March 02, 2007

the shoulds

i find that I am plagued by the shoulds and i am inquiring if this is just a symptom of bladder cancer, a heart murmur, acute melancholy or if it is a common feeling among creatures of this universe. i get tired of scheduling every moment of evey day. i have a tough enough time just with the basics, yoga or studio or social times and what will i feed myself and cleaning up the implements used in feeding self. when errands, cleaning and chores are added to this i begin to get annoyed. then there are the larger projects - - like scheduling a dental appointment and figuring out how to fix the falling down house, god forbid hiring a handyman to fix something. i shirk these big picture moments and end up in fetal state. i find that I get tired and stressy and then the black void reaches out its long black velvet glove and gives me a little pat on the rear. it closes my eyelids and sends me down under the slabs with a cotton blankey and a cold brew. the mama fb has remarked that i need to ease up my drivenness(in fact sometimes I think i scare her) but honestly i cannot see how that is an option. there are so many random things that need to be accomplished and stuff. and i am supposed to be looking at art and stuff like that. how? how is all of this possible? is it normal to schedule all the time every day? maybe it is. maybe i am overthinking.

so now i end up here at new beige at 2:20pm with all my tasks done. but can i leave? no. i must sit here pointlessly wasting my time.

am i losing it? have a made a string of horrible choices? lately the shoulds have been accompanied by the feeling of the alien and the pointlessness. i am not a teenager.

advice cube, can you be of assistance?

19 comments:

burrito brother said...

hi fb,
aren't you freelance? can't you go get somebody and say 'give me the next project or let me go do work at home' without fear of reprisal? do not fear fb, you must have courage. they can smell your fear.

by the way, did you contact the L.E.S. sorcerer? does he want to view your magik forms?

fairy butler said...

bb! hola fine friend. the thing is with this new beige is that i have to stick around sometimes because of last minute edits and poo like that. it's dumb but i understand that for the beige one hour of paying me to be here just *in case* is worth it to them. it's almost over now. one hour.

and I did contact that sorcerer again bb and now i am sad cause he never wrote back. but i will pursue it and go in in person. maybe not this weekend but next? shall see...thanks for mentioning it cause i might've never done anything. lame i am.

pd said...

FB! I must say we all benefit from your extra time at beige, because without it, we wouldn't know about the "boot scoot" and other genius things like that.
I had a bad case of the shoulds last weekend--I was paralized by them. You are so right--there isn't enough time to do everything and it sucks. I don't clean or shop for food nearly as much as I should because I am too busy trying to get to the studio, make some coins, start an exercise regimen that goes beyond the "yogic lean", pay bills blah, blah blah, drink the oxy and jack combo...etc...

sloths said...

fb, you're definitely not losing it; this is the human condition, especially when you are trying to do many many things all at once and hold yourself to high standards, which I know is the way of the fb. sometimes it becomes too much of a muchness. slothy recommends: take a day off just for yourself, no responsibilities of any kind (not even the ones that disguise themselves as leisure activities, like "visit a museum"). Just relax, sleep in, maybe wander a bit in the city like a tourist, buy yourself some musix or a cool clothing-type thing or something, but above all NO GUILT.

fairy butler said...

hi! thanks for the ears guys and yer thoughtful comments. i am feeling less crazed today. i am going to see that hard times painting show in a bit. i hope it is good.

phart whore said...

Please to report back with your impressions. Especially be sure to do an impression of Lynda Benglis.

pd said...

I am gonna try and see that show today too FB! Maybe I'll see you there.

fairy butler said...

peeds, i was thinking of you at that show. i was hoping you would pop up out of that tie-dyed teepee. i liked the show. very interesting. we played a game where we named the artist now that was doing work like the orginal 70s artists. So many!!

that national academy is some wacky exhibition space. love it. and I must admit that I loved the arts and crafts room. that weird screen with the beads. did you get a load of that video where they pull a painting on the floor! in half!!! that as cracking me up.

peeds said...

Sorry I missed you too! I thought the show would be better, but I still liked most of it. Okay, what about that Benglis video of the guy petting the cat??? I was SO thinking about all the artists today doing work like the work in the show. How about that Ralph Humphrey? Kinda like an early Karin Davie. And I must admit to liking the woven discs in the crafts room. The teepee freaked me out. The space was weird for that type of work, but I liked how small the rooms were. I thought many artists were missing from that show.

fairy butler said...

yeah, i loved those harmony hammond discs too. and yeah - karen davie started the game with her very similar work to ralph humphrey. i couldn't sit still to watch that cat video somehow but i dug the video on the other side of it. & i loved his painting. this one:
http://www.utexas.edu/spotlight/2004/graphics/blanton_twister2.jpg

roy colmer

fairy butler said...

i don't know if that's the exact painting or not but it's close. that painting was great.

pd said...

Don't get me wrong...I hated that cat video!

peeds said...

Yeah that painting vid was fun. I also liked the Dan Christensen, which looked very contemporary. Really did not like the Snyder painting. It gave me a stomach ache.

fairy butler said...

the snyder was heinous x 10.

fairy butler said...

the e.murray was better. i did not have a gagging sensation. i thought is was richard tuttle gone big for a little while in fact. then it all became clear.

pd said...

I like that period of E. Murray's work. I liked how those big paintings jammed into the curved corners looked bowed. I really felt ill in front of the J.S. I liked seeing the Rockburne saran wrap painting.

Corny said...

so it's worth the trek up town?

martin said...

hi fb - i liked that tie-dye bead screen very much also... didn't see it in nyc tho, saw it in north carolina.. i'm wondering what the show looks like in a different space.

i was blanking on his name... but it's alan shields. he's wearing the grooviest homemade suit in one of the photos from the catalogue.

fairy butler said...

corns - i'd say it's worth the trek but not completely necessary. the work is sort of not great but the curating/historical part of what this work means/meant was very good. it's right next to the guggenheim so you could go see both shows - one trip.