Monday, July 24, 2006

Life Plan

I did not get the job I was assured I was getting. Or something. Apparently I did not have enough experience working with a certain coding language. It is the catch-22 of not having the experience to get the job but then not being able to get the experience because you need a job to really know it. circular logic related to the symbol pi. related to keeping the fairy butler down.

So, looking forward I am considering these options:

1. Cutting off face. Without a face i will be seriously handicapped and will be able to subsist on disability SS payments = mucho dinty moore stew. I can live in my same neighborhood and perhaps I'll fit in better. I will not be able to talk to anyone anyway so the language barrier will evaporate. I will not be able to see so I will not have to get angry about piles or relics or all the bruises, sores, gashes, and cellulite on my limbs. I will save on cosmetics & face soap.

2. Turning invisible. Squashing the discontent into a small pinto bean sized nugget I will squirrel it away in my inner ear. I will wear pastel sweatshirts featuring affirmative sayings, religious iconography, kittens in baskets, monkeys hanging in there and such. I will wear hush puppies to move even more quietly. I will eat only cotton candy, green fluff, lettuce, foam peanuts, and effervescent waters. I will move closer to the sun. I will be so full of fake joy and pleasantness that my hair will perm itself. I will use the nice voice and I will ask people how their weekends were.

3. Mole time. The pinto bean of discontent will be planted in my heart. It will feed on blood and strengthen the angry rivers within me until i spontaneously combust.

4. Doing Nothing. I will try to remain optimistic and good natured about the pervasive mini-failure(s) that surround many of my stabs at forward movement, be it career, art, hairstyles, cat whispering, etc. I will try to believe that hard work is rewarded. I will be thankful I am not sick and not feel sorry for myself. Continual deadening and anxiety will tango on but the lips will not quiver. I will swallow and pick up the house, again, and put away the dishes, again, and finish the countless stupid household tasks and feel lucky to have a house to practice them in.

39 comments:

gina said...

oh fb, i am sorry! that sux! its summer so there are some good diversions: outdoor drinking, the ocean, etc. the face cutting off i cant really get behind. i dont think youd like it after all. and now they do the transplants.

MM said...

Oh Jesus FB I am so so sorry. I love you. What to say, it is not fair. You deserved it...but Gina is correct no face-cutting-off, it is not a good plan for the lovely FB that we all love so. Something else must burn in the embers of hope, not pinto beans, not gashes. Something good is in store for the FB.

MM said...

I meant you deserved the job, not to not get it if you receive my meaning.

krixfort said...

oh FB, don't be discouraged because the new beige was too dumb to know how great you are. Other possibilities will reveal themselves, I am sure.

fairy butler said...

i know, i know. i think it's a just a touch of christmas depression. it's so annoying how I was so strung along. I thought I had dealt with one of the string of probs, but no. now i will have to buck up and remain optimistic. this is not my nature so much. enter denial. it will have to do for now.

all of you are lovely. i am sorry to be soiling.

sloth said...

FB! this is a wrongness! These people are stupid and deserve to be cut. PD, can I borry your slicer?

FB, pats and hugs. You will get another job, a better one with better hours so you can make the relics. Of this I am sure.

Corny said...

FB I'm sorry about you not getting the job, Sux that they strung you along, thats not fair, not nice!

Face cutting will only make you feel better while your doing it but it could potentially cause a lot of problems down the road. For instance you could become the subject of ridicule and people throwing stuff at you like food, though admittedly if people flung donuts it wouldn't be so bad. Sorry.

Also you are NOT the red stapler guy.

deli-slicer said...

NO! If you cut face, I will cut me own robotic legs. I will. Don't make me do it. You are NOT a stapler guy of any color. You are brilliant--we all say so.

Slothy, my slicer is all yours.

that is fantastic! said...

that is fantastic!

toodster said...

feh FB. Sorryz abound. I would opt for #4 an assure yourself that if you try for similar jobs you will surely snag one. As for the experience thing, yeah, its pretty lame and I face similar probs. The only way around it it seems is teaching yourself new technology/skills/dance moves, create work that reflects said skill-set, and then lie about experience. It is too bad that people can't take a leap of faith and hire someone based on potential and work ethics and not just experience. There are mucho talented people out there (::cough::FB ::cough::) who can learn almost ANY skill and have a creative way of solving problems that are passed over for a robot who can do only one, seemingly impressive task.

hammy said...

FB, I'm so sorry. You deserve that job and you deserve waaaaayyyyy better than that job.

sloth said...

wait'll they realize that they could have hired the NICE one. Skills and experience can be developed and acquired... personality traits (like great sense of humor, sparkly personality, other FB qualities) can't. poop on them!

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hammy said...

FB, I have been moved to a new seat in a new corner. when I came in today all my drawers were open and someone was sitting in my desk. I don't know whether to bother even unpacking my desk. For now I am supposed to sit at this desk for 2-4 hours, then move to another desk for 2 hours and then to another desk for another 2 hours. Also I just got a call from the troll man who thinks he is my boss to tell me that my real boss wants me to work in the other building. "oh she didn't reach out to you?" silence. Me: "well, what did she say?" troll: "she didn't speak to you?" F you troll man. me: "why don't you tell me what she said. Is it top secret?" troll: "well I don't know if she didn't talk to you."

fairy butler said...

huh??? hams!!!! what the hell is going on over there? I am sending good energy for you. This is very weird.

hammy said...

I have no idea what is going on here. I was hoping that I would come in on Monday and get laid off and then get some nice unemployment and work in the studio for 6 months. but no health insurance is not an option for me. They didn't lay me off anyway. And now I have this troll involved.

slothy said...

Hammy, if they lay you off I will marry you and you can be on my health ins. plan. But in the meanwhile, WTF is going on over there?? Am I going to have to come over there and poop on them, too?

hammy said...

Thanks slothy, please eat a lot tonight so that you can poo lots. They deserve piles of runny poo on their desk and in their dress shoes kept under their desks. hating. hating hating.

krixfort said...

send the trolls to me hams. I have a troll bashing tool that I used at the Cubes. I am pretty okay at troll bashing.

I am sending you all the positives I have.

hammy said...

This troll has spikey hair and fancies himself an actor. He's the one who led me to believe I was going to be laid off in the first place. I'll send him over Krix. Thanks for the help!

hammy said...

How are you doing FB? Promise me that your face is intact!

fairy butler said...

hams, what's with the chair changeroos every two hours - is this just a temporary scenario. i wish they would lay you off with lots of unemployment money and paid insurance. then you could have a lil break, commune with relics, and then find a new and improved beige. foo.

fairy butler said...

i am cooking up some semi-elaborate vittles this eve.

hammy said...

FB! I'm glad you indulged in the sweets and that there are special vittles for you tonight. This beige you are in now is only temporary. I know there are better things in the future for you.

Thank you for the good wishes. The real problem is the troll and his persistence in making trouble and causing chaos.

peeds said...

Slothy, let's just eat the troll for Hams and poo him out on the boss' desk. Kill two turds with one bowel movement. Really Hams, that is a load of nonsense. I would offer the slicer, but that is not torture enough for them. 6 months for relic-making is the best option. I am hoping for the best.

xoxox

peeds said...

FB...enjoy the vittles!! I'm in the mood for beets and asparagus.

fairy butler said...

morning, er, afternoon lovelies. I was crimping samosa edges at 12:30 last night. Then I got to clean up. I do not recommend this and am trying to put it behind me. Why am I such a freak that I feel it necessary to make EVERTHING for the dinner guests? Then I suffer a small nervous breakdown, which is quickly swallowed with a glass of gin.

UGH.

Returned from the dentist this morning. I had to have two shots, first didn't take, but second shot freaked me out. Felt it spread all over my jaw as it was injected, weird. Then it still hurt a little.?? I am currently slobbering coffee all over numb face. good times.

fairy butler said...

Nice tooth colored filling though. no more 80's metal.

fairy butler said...

I created all the glassware and pottery dishes for tonight also. the kiln was going all night long. Hot stuff.

lupis said...

what a fun weekend, I had a blast with you guys. THere are some awesome shots of dancing.I love the one of Arthur as a frog.

dubz said...

lupis. you are the king of the flat-handed dance twist. also i am practicing our special handshake in my mind. fb, sorry about the job. they are truly stupid for not hiring you.

sloth said...

fairy, I don't mean to stir up trouble or anything, but I think it may be time to review your butler's job description. I mean, YOU shouldn't be the one doing the crimping, right? Sheesh, you just can't find good help these days...

krixfort said...

yeah fb, what gives with the butler? Did the butler stealer get him again?

fairy butler said...

My butler had to take a leave of absense to attend an upstate mental institution. He's just taking a break, trying to figure some stuff out. I need him back though. So tired. Constant activity everyday all day - so tired. Coming to beige is almost like a rest. Not fun, but at least I get to sit still and veg out.

fairy butler said...

I am over this so-called modern life. I am ready to become a miner.

hammy said...

What will you mine?

fairyneedforhospitalization said...

i will mine ore, hams, ore.

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