rumination(s)

This morning I woke up to the thought "Some people wake up in the morning excited about the coming day - excited about going to work. Wouldn't that be great? To be invested like that?"

I have come to the conclusion that to wait around for the next five years hoping my art career takes off is not really how I want to spend my time. Meaning that I am spending inordinate amounts of time working a crap job and feeling hopeless and without control of my life. I have held out for so long and have made so many compromises that I am beginning to fear I am retarded. I feel like I have little to show for my 30 some years. The biggest issue here is that I want to have kids and be able to provide for them financially and emotionally. I am getting older and I want to spend my time productively rather than infantilized(by the gallery system/art gods) while waiting for the 5:30pm bell, that joyous release from the grip of corporate time wasting and daily existensial crisis.

I used to believe it was all about the art work. Making good work was all that mattered - then everything else would fall into place. So sometimes I think my art work must not be good enough. And that may be. But you know what, I can only do what I can. I can't make magix (only my butler can do that and he is forbidden by Zod to help me). This is not a poor me post. I promise. I just have come to a realization over the weekend that I need to do something with my time that makes me feel like I am moving forward, learning new things, and taking control. Working in the studio is not enough because it does not earn me money (usually)- there is always the compromise. Having my work in a bunch of shows (while exciting and ok) is probably not enough. It's the money thing again. There is the option that I should really focus on getting my work out there. But honestly, I find the whole gallery system fairly corrupt. I am thinking that maybe there is a different way to be an artist than on this grand scale new york art world thing. It is just the networking, the politicking, the something something that I appartently do not have. I just don't want to be worrying about all of this stuff for the next 20 years. I just don't believe. I don't get how people do it. Perhaps it is good that I will be weeded out?

It' s not that I am completely giving up. If I have a bit of an art career in me in the future that is swell but I am not counting on it. I really just can't hope anymore. It is tiring. I believe in my work and I still value and cherish my time in the studio, my artist friends, and looking at art. I love art. I do I do I do. But... this ratio of bad feeling and no control to hope that someone will really notice my work is just not working. But this is all a good thing because I am feeling ready to jump in and make a change.

Please don't get me wrong. I think being an artist is a GREAT thing to be. I love art. In my case though, I am realizing that I need to tweak the life recipe some to be happy. I will always make art and I hope to always show and be a part of things, but I need to find value in a commerical way for myself that my regular job does not provide and the art market is probably not going ot provide.. I need to go out and make my way in the world I guess. I need to take this more seriously and stop putting this change off for the future. It's a good thing.

Note: I am thankful for the successes I have had and I am not blaming anyone or anything. I knew what I was getting into, just now I need to refocus a little, be a little more practical.