Tuesday, September 06, 2005

rumination(s)

This morning I woke up to the thought "Some people wake up in the morning excited about the coming day - excited about going to work. Wouldn't that be great? To be invested like that?"

I have come to the conclusion that to wait around for the next five years hoping my art career takes off is not really how I want to spend my time. Meaning that I am spending inordinate amounts of time working a crap job and feeling hopeless and without control of my life. I have held out for so long and have made so many compromises that I am beginning to fear I am retarded. I feel like I have little to show for my 30 some years. The biggest issue here is that I want to have kids and be able to provide for them financially and emotionally. I am getting older and I want to spend my time productively rather than infantilized(by the gallery system/art gods) while waiting for the 5:30pm bell, that joyous release from the grip of corporate time wasting and daily existensial crisis.

I used to believe it was all about the art work. Making good work was all that mattered - then everything else would fall into place. So sometimes I think my art work must not be good enough. And that may be. But you know what, I can only do what I can. I can't make magix (only my butler can do that and he is forbidden by Zod to help me). This is not a poor me post. I promise. I just have come to a realization over the weekend that I need to do something with my time that makes me feel like I am moving forward, learning new things, and taking control. Working in the studio is not enough because it does not earn me money (usually)- there is always the compromise. Having my work in a bunch of shows (while exciting and ok) is probably not enough. It's the money thing again. There is the option that I should really focus on getting my work out there. But honestly, I find the whole gallery system fairly corrupt. I am thinking that maybe there is a different way to be an artist than on this grand scale new york art world thing. It is just the networking, the politicking, the something something that I appartently do not have. I just don't want to be worrying about all of this stuff for the next 20 years. I just don't believe. I don't get how people do it. Perhaps it is good that I will be weeded out?

It' s not that I am completely giving up. If I have a bit of an art career in me in the future that is swell but I am not counting on it. I really just can't hope anymore. It is tiring. I believe in my work and I still value and cherish my time in the studio, my artist friends, and looking at art. I love art. I do I do I do. But... this ratio of bad feeling and no control to hope that someone will really notice my work is just not working. But this is all a good thing because I am feeling ready to jump in and make a change.

Please don't get me wrong. I think being an artist is a GREAT thing to be. I love art. In my case though, I am realizing that I need to tweak the life recipe some to be happy. I will always make art and I hope to always show and be a part of things, but I need to find value in a commerical way for myself that my regular job does not provide and the art market is probably not going ot provide.. I need to go out and make my way in the world I guess. I need to take this more seriously and stop putting this change off for the future. It's a good thing.

Note: I am thankful for the successes I have had and I am not blaming anyone or anything. I knew what I was getting into, just now I need to refocus a little, be a little more practical.

11 comments:

postmoderndebunker said...

Your post sounds sound. I think the expectations in art--in terms of recognition and $$ are the most difficult to come to terms with. There is so little to be had and so many people waiting for their share. It is a crap-shoot. And success (financial) is often so fleeting that eventually...artists must go back to the day job to support their art.
What a drag.

fairy butler said...

yeah, i think i just need to do some kind of job for a while that i have some control/pride in. I just need a change I think. It kind of scares me, honestly, to not have the paycheck though. I may see first if they will reduce my hours here or see what I can do from here (work on other work here) for awhile before I leap. ugh.

postmoderndebunker said...

I know...I am fearful of the no paycheck thing. More fearful of the no health insurance thing--which my boss pays even though I am not a salaried employee. But I really have no career aspirations other than making art. And I am not talking about making art and selling enough to live (which I guess = career. What I would do with extra time besides paint....read a lot. Take some music classes...all things that do not involve $$$$.

fairy butler said...

i have the curse of the first-born or something - spastic ambition. but if there is a kid it would be good to have something paying in place that i can do from home/part-time/something something. (this is all future future) but i would like to see rewards for efforts, build something. i am crazy maybe, but if i don't at least try it will never happen. i can't work at this beige forever anyway, when there is no climbing of ladder or raises, etc. and increasing depression and drinking.

your beige sounds better than my beige pd. your boss is good to pay your health insurance!! i could just win the lotto and entertain myself with projects and books certainly.

postmoderndebunker said...

Yeah--Lotto would be nice. I just want to experience a lot of things and learn things. Money would allow me to do that, of course, but where can I get some of that??

My job can be fun at times--I admit. I think I've actually learned a lot here and have been exposed to new books and authors etc... so I cannot be too grumpy. If I could be here only 3 days a week (I work 3 1/2) and make enough money to live and take great vacations....ideal.

fairy butler said...

cheers to you PD for finding a good job! I am thinking if i could reduce hours here (to 3 days) that would be nice first step.

I hardly care about money, except when i think of having kids, and then my throat starts to tighten. plus it is hell boring here - rump getting rumpier.

postmoderndebunker said...

I do not get paid much FB--so good is relative. I just think emotionally it is not bad. I am struggling with $$ all the time.

fairy butler said...

I came across this study on artists and the art market:

http://www.pnnonline.org/article.php?sid=6160&mode=thread&order=0&thold=0

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