Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Oxygen Man

I had the pleasure of sitting next to the oxygen man on the subway this fine morning. He is gifted with the loud, audible breathing, and with giving off a palpable heat. His wide-spread legs were nestling next to mine and I could sense the subtle dew. His next move was to open the sack of honey roasted peanuts, which was no easy task. He arranged the package cone-like and lifted it to his mouth. Down the chute! Follow that with a swig of coffee. This combination is a breakfast treat, a favorite for the lumbering types. Peanuts, must be consumed now. They are essential to maintain the heat and dew. His hair was pulled pack into a man-pony tail. His backpack read "oxygen." flip-flops. he went away.

Part two. On entering the airport hangar I was accompanied by other co-workers I am not familiar with. I lifted my bag to the entry point command center but only got a bad-beep. No entry for you. I was retrieving the correct key from my bag when the other coworker became in a huge hurry and wrestled me out of the way and held out her badge. There is not time, she hollered inside her head. Must get to desk, now. I cannot wait for you, bad badger. This behavior greatly annoyed the fb and I stared down with the "no-likes." Once inside the hangar the pair decided to walk very slowly so I had to lap. What just happened?

28 comments:

krixfort said...

oh FB! I had to sit next to oxygen man's cousin yesterday! He was an older gentleman who sounded as if he had sleep apnea. Except he was awake. How is it possible to snore while awake?

krixfort said...

FB, I do not like those hurry harried chumper beigers. They need to either slow down and meditate or be given a percocet.

postmoderndebunker said...

FB...you made me snort so much with your retelling of this morning's events.

I had to talk to Mrs. Oxygen Man on the phone yesterday. I answered with a "Hello, Beige & Beige associates" and I hear a woman in hale loudly, and exhale: "May I speak to..." I thought she was having a heart attack.

postmoderndebunker said...

This morning it all began on the subway platform...where I saw a dead rat (on the platform) that was the size of a puppy. This rat was newly killed. It was gross. It lay there, with a red pool of fresh blood by its head.

fairy butler said...

PD, I killed that rat with my bare hands. I am sorry that I left it out there in the open for you to see.

PD said...

One down, 5 billion to go!

mouth breather said...

I have not left my cave. I do not want to go outside. I am breathing too loudly. Mouth noises and smacking. I am afraid of the rat army's military manuevers. I am afraid of exploding manhole covers. I cower now.

fairy butler said...

mouth breather, try a cooling breath through the nostrils, once maybe twice in a row? do not ride the subway until your breathing is under control. Do not take the oxygen backpack. The manhole covers will only explode if your oxygen breath ignites them. exhale slowly and quietly. it is for the benefit of all.

beast of the apocalypse said...

Yesterday stuck on L with crazy talking to self and pacing man. Then he sat across from me and stared at me and coughed without covering his mouth. I hate.

fairy butler said...

sometimes, this is terrible, uh, I think there should be a crazy train-car, sponsored by Ozzy, where all the heavy breathers, screaming preachers, talk-to-yourselfers, those playing an instrument, engaged in magic tricks, riding a disgusting burlap donkey, acrobats, and general beggars can be gathered together. Teenagers who yell and say things like, "bitch you need to take off those clothes," will be punished in this car. Heroin addicts nodding off will go into this car. Ralphie, your time is up. You are directed into this car too.

Horst said...

I am ready for mouth noise cleanup patrol. Vacuum suction straight into the offending mouths, suck out all gunk that causes heavy breaths or snorts. Put gunk into transparent sack and force criminal breather to wear it on sash around chest. Humilation.

fairy butler said...

Note: this car will make all the usual stops. It will not go to the fiery furnaces. Sorry, but the allusion was right there, not on purpose.

fairy butler said...

Horst, this is good. Your suction valve may have to clean out 20 years of Hardees and cigarettes in some cases and these individuals will have a heavy load of goo to carry, but that is their lot in life I guess. Oxygen backpack can be filled with the cholesterol fuzzes and mucus mucks.

Does anyone else know of this Ralphie? I used to like him but now I want him gone. He is getting aggressive and weird these days.

PD said...

Which one is Ralphie? That's my brother's name, when he is not wearing his Steve Perry suit.

I hat the burlap donkey almost as much as I hate the big guy with a bag full of PB&J sandwhiches and Jug juice who talks about his crack days....

Yes...we need an express train to Hell for them all.

krixfort said...

FB, your crazy train idea is, of course, brilliant. And sponsored by Ozzy is a nice touch. This will offset the cost to the taxpayers which will make it a popular program. Perhaps it will be adopted in other cities with rail systems. When will you launch this pilot program? I will help round up the crazies as I seem to be turning into the Pied Piper of crazydom.

PD said...

Horst, can you eliminate the B.O. crowd and the guys who spread their sweaty thighs? Please suck them up into oblivion!! Then, of course we will need bathroom cleanup....

Anonymous said...

I like this sepatate subway situation. I have great sympathies for the mentally ill. But please stay away from me, crazies. You make me crazy too.

The "A" train said...

Start with me, please.

Anonymous said...

that is the best. The WIDE OPEN LEGS. People are squished to either side of you and still you won't close your legs. Close them or i will attack their target.

r train said...

I am next up.

fairy butler said...

PD, those sandwich people. ugh. I want to take one of those sandwiches, chew it up, and then spit out all over. I know this is wrong and they mean well, but for christ's sake. Once again, I ask, is it too much to ask to just ride the subway in relative quiet without a lecture?
None of these people would be allowed in any store, restaurant, office, etc. but we take 'em on the subway.

Ralphie is a thin guy with a shortish afro who sells the daily news for money on the subway. These are papers he has picked up from other cars me thinks. He tells everyone his name is Ralphie before his speech where he says he has never hurt anyone or something and he is homeless. etc. he gets off the subway at my stop ?!? every time.

fairy butler said...

Ralphie has been doing his thing on the L train since I moved here in 1996. I swear. Stink-leg has moved on, however. Arthur, you haven't seen stink leg around have you? Or poncho Kellogg's dude?

fearless rider said...

i have never met ralphie. Do you know the crack addict with the denim short shorts and the giant garbage bag? She is pretty, though ruined looking. And the smelly one who has the large swollen red leg. It looks like it would pop if pricked with pin. So sad and scary and VERY stinky.

sloth said...

Has anyone else seen the Hair-Hat Lady? She is a tiny old lady with her gray hair that is sort of fused into a solid sculptural mass. The shape subtly shifts over time. Currently it looks kind of like a Henry Moore sculpture.

sloth said...

The Hair Hat Lady is not, however, a subway rider. One frequent denizen of the L train was the Man With No Nose. Really horrifying.

PD said...

Oh yeah...Ralphie! UGH.

I don't think those sandwhich guys are real! I REALLY don't.

PD said...

How 'bout the lady who asks for "...just one dime...it's not for drugs...it's not for wine..." in a whiney voice. She has not changed the script in 12 years! I have not seen her for almost a year though.

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