There is only transient calm in my inner being. I am pursued by a constant conflict. Life choices. Yup. Idealism vs pragmatism. How can I sum this up?
warning: what proceeds is whining, but i feel writing this down may clarify my mindstuffs. you can stop reading now if you want as it is probably going to be boring and self-indulgent
The people tell you to "follow your dreams." Until my late twenties I believed that everything would work out. I shirked all alternate careers, preferring the down-and-out neighborhoods, the shuttling of food stuffs, the rock bands and vats of liquor and drugs. My clothes were purchased for 1 dollar. I existed in a floating dream state - idealistic and non-worried. Yes, I had doubts and crying moments even then but overall I truly believed my relic-making would be a success. (it was the mid - 90's) I still had years. I was young. I just needed to keep working, get better. And I did work. I was diligent and tireless. Ambition resided within me, but it was a somewhat private ambition that did not relate to the business, the outside world. Money was not an issue. I just didn't care and none of my friends had any money either. No matter - my loft cost 800$ a month. It was cool. I was spirited on by prize-winning medals and ribbons, sought-after ribbons. Then the dream ran dry and I retreated to the worm hole known as graduate school. While I interviewed and filled out the paperwork, collected the dollar bills and applied for loans, I knew it to be a vanity project. I was unable to imagine being a teaching assistant for the younglings- sure my hate and cynicism would shine through - so I received zero teaching experience making my degree of the MFA completely, undeniably useless (except for the "self-betterment" and the meeting of awesome peoples). The bitterness was taking hold, reality settling in.
Part of this is getting older. Part is living in NYC and seeing that I have no trust fund, no rich parents, no helpers (I am lucky to have an Arthur though), no connections, no Ivy League. I am not from here. And it costs a lot to live here, but this is where I must be to continue to pursue the "dream." I am older. I work a horrible job, which is easy and fine, but completely deadening (except that I can work on my own projects here and do not have to serve the public - but money is bad). My friends have careers now and make money. They are not tormented every day by their choices I do not think. I feel like an idiot. I am white and come from the middle class, went to great schools, etc etc but I rejected the lifestyle(s) I feel like I was supposed to embody for something unscripted (I had this part of my life "easy," could have gotten a degree in most anything with career potentials). The rejection of class expectations seems good, but now I must pay with very uncertain future and not living up to the potential. I feel I cannot trust the relic making while I also feel that I can't give up now. There are very few reserves left for spiriting on. Why do I not believe?
The Dig! movie made me wonder. This Anton character was so far out in his own head that he was homeless and would never hold a job. He believed completely and absolutely in his vision. This is a kind of stereotype I realize but I can sort of respect this utter devotion. So I think to myself, should I just accept that I am a relic-maker and that it will always be the way it is now? Or is this just laziness? How important is money and status? grrrr. What if there are children. I am totally fucked.
Since the George W. has taken hold again I feel like the only valuable thing left in our culture is earning money. Either make a lot or make none. I am a sucker. I thought I could find meaning in the relics, but I should have been sensible and pragmatic. I find that I cannot come to terms with this. Other relic makers do not have these torments somehow. What is my problem? I hate the people who tell you to "follow your dreams."
ps. I accept full responsibilty for my choices. I blame only myself.
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This is harsh. Sorry to be a bummer. I still like the relic excavation and I have comrades, many comrades in the excavation world. This I truly, deeply value. This communion was meant to be. However, I cannot believe for myself. There is always conflice and I am tired of my ego. I was not meant for the world as it is.
Do the normal people feel the same?
yes, I am thankful to have had choices, to not be born into slavery, aids, or afflicted with some terrible disease etc. happiness is inside, yes, yes. but I am a analyzer and plan i must. our culture does not value the ones who stray from the path - - unless they make the corporations much money.
When do I know it is time to go to law school or something? will I know it inside? will someone tap me on the shoulder? I always feel like this. unless I am not allowing myself the luxury, but then I feel like I am keeping the insides in inside and it is just delaying the build up- and outcome of badnesses.
i think i need to become a heroin addict. or join a cult. or go insane.
I value the relic making and the land of blogs over and above all else that our culture offers up. It reaffirms my faith that there is something else out there beside a money hungry soullessness. I encounter the lack of soul on a daily basis. I work for money hungry shells who will never know what it's like to look at a relic and have their hearts crack open and weep or soar. The relic making is more importnt than you realize FB, on a much broader scale.
The lack of personal safety nets is always troublesome but there are no guarantees either way. I am in NYC only after having the economic rug pulled out from under my feet in SF during the ubiquitous dot.com crash. I had to start from scratch and I continuously dream of reinventing myself everyday.
PD is right though. . .sometimes the doubt and the conflict can work for you. I would hate to think of you blithely making relics without a care in the world. It is possible, if that were to happen, that you would end up working for Hallmark and I believe that would not be a suitable path. I've seen your relics. You should continue in your pursuits regardless of your doubts.
That's about 3 cents worth I think. sorry so long. hope I'm not out of line.
insanity is preferable to law school.
Oh FB, I read this and want to cry, honestly. I love what you make so much and you are such a fun and wonderful person, I wish I could just come into your head and excavate the doubts. But I guess the doubts are an inextricable part of yourself. Maybe there is a more internal way to remove the torment that these doubts seem to sew in you. I feel like you are an intensely questioning person so whatever you chose to do with your life, you would inherently have to doubt it. Everything you make, write, say or express interest in points to some cooky belief in the magical powers. I have to believe that your relic-making is engrained in you. And not to echo the "follow your dream" ethic, because the practical side of things is undeniable, but maybe it means something to you that other people believe in the magical power of your relics, your words and your goofy personality. You are not such a failure as you think. And I think if you did all of a sudden make tons of money from your relics and become the most famous and widely written about artist, you would be completely skeptical of it. It is hard to articulate what I want to say properly, but I hope you can receive my meaning, FB.
Let's here it for relics!!
You made me cry FB here in my cube. I feel similarly very often. Financial regret mostly and fear for my future, old age, health insurance, etc... I believe in my relics, but fear they are increasingly alienating. The financial aspect of relic excavation is alien to me. I may be an unwitting sabatour. Will cat food and "found object" art be my future.
I have this doubting fever always, it is my way. Regardless of my path it will most likely always be my way and in my way. I still do not know what to do. Often I think I must just make it through the day, but I get tired of not dealing with the doubt and squashing it. Denial has served me well in the past, but it builds up and I am getting old and bitter. I probably just need to calm down. I am sorry to burden you all with the thoughts. Perhaps I will search for a new job. I will not speak of this stuff for a while. Thanks for the kind words. I may soon require lobotomy. but work is a lobotomy. I have too much time to think here.
I just want to avoid being a sucker. if i had a lobotomy then maybe my job would not give me a lobotomy.
Krix, you are right about the safety net - maybe there is no such thing. Maybe I will become a teacher for the inner city youths. This might be useful time spent. It is all I can come up with.
yes, please let the deli slicer wreck havoc. Sometimes I pray that the US suffers a devastating economic crash and all the suburban homes will be abandoned and burned down forcing the CEOs to work the lines at Hardees.
I am going to see Star Wars later. Hopefully this will distract my mind. If not I may require the schwag bag.
Maybe I need medicinal mindstuffs?
HP,
The worst is when even the absorption in the relic making chamber is tainted by the doubts. This is the absolute worst kind of poision. Honestly, if I could just hide in my chamber all the time I would be fine. But this is not truly practical. I may require the setting of yet another timeline. ugh.
FB I can help with the labotomy. I have scotch tape, three erasers and a small swiss army knife. You must provide your own booze and pie. Maybe we work out a deal?
I am trying desperately not to let my fear that my relics are incredibly minor not take over my day, every day. I know I am useless for anything else, however. At least you have hope for some level of functionality? I fear I must keep myself hidden most of the time, to avoid putrid reactions from my fellows.
PS, FB, Kisses, you are tops in the ether! You get gold stars all around from your ether peers.
I am waiting for August when chelsea shuts down and I can go into more hiding than my usual hiding. There is always the lotto. Yoga is my friend & we have been getting acquainted again recently.
Right now my cube world has taken away the coffe, the candy machine, and the sodas. Horrid.
You may borrow Danzig and Krakow whenever, HP. Just fill out a lender's borrower's sub-spelling contraction form. You can have them and penetrate them for as much and as long as you like.
Also, I believe in all your relics, they drag me to the surface for air time and again and fill me with joy and inspiration. THis is not meant as a hallmark moment but truth. love sparks to you all! off off and away!
do not ever abandon the relic making in order to pursue "safeness" FB. I did. It is not satisfying. The way of the relic maker was before me in many forms using words and pictures. I did not follow it but instead chose the safe bet. The safe bet is not that safe. It brings the soullessness.
more magic owls please!
sparks of imagination and soulfulness to my ether friends!
cheers!
FB, you're the bestest FB around!
I agree. Krix you are like the polish fry, very tasty, better than the french one, better texture, but less mainstream - under the radar shall we say. This is my theory of the cultural fry. I hope you can detect the sense here that is well-hidden in the no-sense.
Someone named Champ (I believe he is a Chump) is challenging me to a boxing match. It is time for silly Chump to get maimed. I have hates.
I am getting my flail out of its case.
Please stop.
Dear Fairy Butler,
Sorry for the lateness of this post. All of us mud-squishers feel these grave doubts. Sloth endured 2 years of head-kicking-in at grad school, and for that experience will be paying student loans until death, no joke.
But FB, the artless drones of the world are wishing they had the guts to do what we do, believe me. They suspect that there is a kind of freedom in it, and they are right. A high-school classmate recently said "You are living the dream." The creative ones in the drone-ranks are dying inside. They are being suffocated.
Sloth knows it is hard to swallow, but you have to be patient and believe in yourself. You are probably not even as old as you think you are. Look at these careers: Louise Belcourt, who has been plugging away for years, and at long last has taken off in firey sell-out shows at Jeff Bailey Gallery. Adam Cvjanovic, who had a little career in the 80s, then nothing for 15 long years, and now... bingo! And many others, but in the interest of space, Sloth will limit it to those two.
Not everyone has the kind of career that arcs early; some of us have the slow-burn type. Don't lose your belief in yourself - you would be the first to lose it, judging by the responses here. You do have something in you that must be expressed. You can't just lobotomize that away. Sometimes it sucks to be this way, but it's who you are.
Yoga is good! So are the talk-therapies and the pharmaceuticals, at least in the experience of the Sloth. Do what is necessary to get through this time, and things will come. Sloth is sure.
Sloth is wise, FB. Sloth very very wise.
thank you sloth. you are most kind and thoughtful. the relics are too much fun to give up entirely. this life stuff is tricky business. i am trying to contain my doubts and not let them overwhelm. thank you for the encouragements.
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