yesterday there was a sick passenger in the morning on my way to beige. last night there was a 35+yr old man on my train home after the contortion chamber listening to some rap song loudly on his phone. he was rapping quite audibly to it (i couldn't figure out what song it was). i knew it was better not to look at him after the initial eye contact took place. the part that bothered me was his age. how do you get to be near my age and still do that? wtf? then this other guy got on the train with 2 friends and almost sat in my lap. he was carrying a long stick - like a blind person stick - it was white, about the same size, except that it had about 3 sort of movable cylinders in brown that went up and down the stick when he moved it. and it made a noise. not exactly a rain stick or anything but you get the idea. so he has nice rings and a weird cantor to his voice. he is telling his friend how he did too much coke for his birthday and laughing weirdly - too self-consciously. I get the sense that he wants to be like Jean Michel Basquiat - like he's a kool dude man. I dunno. He seemed unstable. like JMB. So his friends exit the train but he stays on and doesn't move over. still squashed next to me. he is moving the blind man rain stick wildly up and down in the center of the subway. he is singing/speaking what I don't know and/or motioning to the rap singer down the way. I refuse to look up. I have the feeling he will address me. it's inevitable. then he leaves the train one stop before mine. jesus.
this morning a large hasidic dude told me to move. just said "move" to me on the subway.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
24 comments:
this is all i got people. sorry. i am working on the story.
move???? Okay, just who does that M-fucker think he is? oh right, you're a woman, you must follow his commands. this is bad with the rainstick and the loud music and the sickies. GROSS.
I hope you told mr. rude hasid guy to cram it, or at least tell him to mind his manners. cocknockers of all stripes. poor lil FB. You seem to be taking the brunt for me. Lately I've had no ill passengers, stuck trains or annoyances of any sort that make you take notice.
i am wearing my headphones today at biege even though i am not listening to music. it is a device to ward off the attempts at conversation that may be instigated from my right side.
I do the faux headphone thing on the train when the jesus guy gets in my face. Springtime is ninja bike time at home. They cruise by in packs of 5-10 redlining the engine going 45 mph in 1st gear. Then I assume they circle around because we hear them every 15 mins or so. Then the Bus goes by and everyone's car alarms go off; why, I am uncertain. Why have a car alarm? The owners never ever respond when they go off. I feel like making a note that says:
Dear car owner,
Your alarm is too sensitive. I goes by whenever a bus passes or someone farts too loudly. What is the point, you never respond; heck you probably live several blocks away. Is the point to wake up my toddler? Because that is all you accomplish. You car alarm is going to have the opposite effect because one of these days someone is going to break your window, pop your hood, cut your battery cables and toss your battery out into the middle of eastern parkway. I'm going to name names, but I have a strong feeling that this will indeed happen. If you insist on parking your '89 toyota infront of my apt. and protecting your $500. investment with this faulty alarm, can you please give me your address? I will be by at 4am with my bullhorn.
love, The guy who broke your window and cut your battery cables.
wow toods, that letter is brilliant. I think you should xerox it and have it on hand at all times.
fb, I don't like these tards of which you speak. I am a little violent today because of all the kung fu fighting that was required this morning. I will happily go to your L train and kick ass randomly.
that letter is good toods, i agree. i fell asleep to the sound of a car alarm last night i think. there have been less motorized scooters so far this year but more plain old yelling and fighting.
krix, the kung fu is figurative speech right? at beige? i got pulled into a meeting at beige where I had to air my frustrations. it was funny. i am away next week and i think they are getting concerned cause the r's will have to handle things and they are crabbier than me. fun stuff.
ok, back to my dog story.
Ugh, I know FB. The subway freaks are really an ASSAULT ON OUR MINDS!! And bodies.
Toodles, you remind me of an episode of "TV Nation" years ago, where Michael Moore rents a garbage truck -- one of the dumpster-carrying kind -- and drives it to the front of the local Waste Management CEO's house (in a cul-de-sac community of course), and purposely drags & scrapes the empty dumpster up and down the street in front of the guy's house over and over at 5 a.m... Watching it was satisfying in a way that few things are in this life.
all week i have been thinking that xx-large people should pay double on the subway. i know this is wrong but i am sick of being squished up against the handrail or the wall while a giant lady gets stuff out of her bag while elbowing me or a man spreads his legs out like a huge slob airing out his junk or whatever. it is not fair being small because squishing is inevitable. i dunno, i'm not anti-biggie but there should be some kind of tariff or something! or a policey type who removes sloppy arm thrashers and leg spreaders from the train. also, just in case, there is a secret twizzler eater on the 4 train, who thinks she's hiding them in her hand by bending them back and chewing swiftly. then she proceeds to pull out a toothpick, obscured by the hand and reaching way back to the molars. this is another thing to tax. special tariff for ill-fitting career wear separates and clomp-clomp 90s shoes.
dubz, well said!!! you are making me feel better. i have TONS of problems with the tonage on a crowded train. the fucking leg spreaders and backpack obliviouses. the other day there was an instance where a woman said something like - heavy-set lady coming through. she couldn't get off the train. it was weird. but these fucks leaning against the doors couldn't grasp the concept that they could #1 - stop making out for 5 seconds and #2 step off the train to let biggie smalls off. then they laughed about it after she pushed her way off. i was like - you're also tards cause you just sat there in the way and you're not so small yourselves. UGH. they also walked slowly and i had to pass them immediately on my way to train #2.
that twizzler eater is a special case. wow. i must admit that at least once a week I have a candy treat on the way home from beige but I do not hide it or then proceed to pick my teeth. i do love my sweettarts.
i keep seeing people i know on the train but then i don't want them to see me because I am having my down time gobbling candy and reading this horrible hateful book - but really i just am having down time so i pretend to not see. they do the same. it makes for a weird thing.
i just don't get the touchy-touchy. i am not a freak but please don't squish into me on the train is all i ask. once a weirdie semi-retarded kid kept sliding his hand over mine on the subway pole. i kept moving and he kept coming. it was traumatizing.
a couple of years ago ny mag (or time out?) did a piece on mass transit faux pas-- leg spreading was on there i remember. swinging your backpack on while going up stairs was on there too. that's a classic dipshit move.
leg spreading is bad. I've been in the center of two leg spreaders. I ask them to tuck in... they do for 1 min then open up again. maybe they are sweaty in there? Yesterday on the bus a screaming 3 year old was running away from his mother and I had to pick him up so he wouldn't fall down. He was damp.
UGH! I know. It is all too unbearable. Dubz, you say it so well. I had the pole-grabber too. This morning I was on a not very crowded train, in my own seat, not spilling over even an inch, when a very large woman eyed me and the guy next to me to move over so she could sit down. Now, the guy next to me was spread out over three seats, so sure he should move his ass. But I was just sitting there neatly in my corner. I just looked at the woman and continued listening to The Byrds. Once she sat down, she seemed overly concerned about not touching me or spilling over, which was nice but it made me feel bad for some reason. Anyway, one guy totally sat on my thigh one day and I loudly said "Jeez, why don't you just sit on my lap." he laughed it off, but I just gave him the evil eye the rest of the way.
The one time in my life I ever went on a blind date, some drunk thru up near me on the train ride to go meet this person. I didn't see it coming and it got on my pants. It was fricken DISGUSTING. I got off the train, doused myself with a gallon of water and arrived at the Guggenheim soaking wet from the waist down. Needless to say, it didn't work, I always associated her with train puke.
Sorry for this gross story.
and off topic as usual. Of course its always men who sit and spread. It's like the bigger the man, the bigger the spread.
yeah, even the little guys have to spread. i love when they spread 'em wide and plop a newspaper in the middle. as if you need that much room to read the post?
i hate the ladies putting on their complete make-up faces during the subway ride.
yeah, the clown ladies are the worst. 50 zillion coats of mascara, are you done already? i hate the guys (tony soprano types) who spread then lean forward with their ass on the edge. like it's too girly to actually sit back or something.
i forgot to mention that Covert Twizzler Eater® was reading the post. she was engrossed. she was gross.
one time i witnessed a bad spreadfest on the N or the R or some train to astoria. there are tons of spreaders on that train at all hours of the day and night. i was the only woman in the car. i told the spreader next to me to check it out (this car is chock fulla spreaders, i said) and he was like, oh wow, i never realized... you're right... but he didn't close up. so i stabbed him.
hee hee the stabbing part is hilarious. i need to try that.
i know about that n train. it is thee worst--second to the 2 & 3 trains.
spreading is down time.
get it?
maybe you have to be a guy.
hint: matthew barney
Post a Comment