but no. the shitstorm must be expressed. i must purge. so, i advise you to stop reading here if you are tired of this type of self-pitying demotivational talk. ok? Today I am so sick of everything. All seems annoying, pointless, and mostly like trudging. I feel like I just hurl around, and then I sit for hours staring at a computer screen. I am so sick of computering. staring at the screen and typing away. fruitless. then there is the scheduling of all my time into work work work. parts here and there. tasks always. staightening, cooking, trudging around, organizing the projects, the ambitions, the shoulds. exhaustion. i think i just need a vacation. so more specifically here are the threads of worry/rage that I unravel and weave together. not in any particular order:
1. why are there 4 dogs living in the yard (if you could call it that) next door? why do they live outside in a piled together doghouse made out of old doors and a broken down wasing machine. why are there a zillion piles of nasty shit all over the dirt patch/earthwork yard? please tell me when the cold breaks #1 - the shit will be picked up (can you imagine the flies and smell?) #2 - there is not major dog rapes. we could have 20 dogs out there by next year. seriously. You know what? BRING IT THE FUCK ON. I hope there are 20 dogs. 50 dogs. Just pack em in. Someone needs to learn a lesson about the birds and the bees and it is not a canine. (Just so you understand my inner pysche I worry about this daily.)
2. how is a married couple who earn less than 200,000/year supposed to raise a family in the NYC area? How I ask you? HOW? My parents don't buy me houses or support me. I have nothing. Do i just send the kid to Bushwick elementary and say "buck up little camper?" where are we supposed to live? Do we have to live in a one bedroom apartment that costs like 1600/month in a good neighborhood and just suck it up? Sell our house? move to jersey? I know I am jumping the gun a little here but every day reading on brownstoner and looking at my friends who have kids and such. WTF? My parents cannot loan me 300,000.
3. I am sick of art. Sick to death. It almost makes me want to cry. the whole deal - the floundering wishes and dreams, the actual art making, thinking about it. I need a break. The whole scene just seems like a big crap basket - but now I am so invested what do I do?
4. Maybe this whole New York City thing is a big joke that I got hoodwinked into? Since I am not wealthy or very poor I shouild maybe just move on? UGH. Where to go? Is it always so hard everywhere? Am I just having an off day?
So you know I do not sincerely believe these things - but these are the threads of good times that I keep next to my knitting needles of spiraling depression.
thank you. and I apologize in advance.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
23 comments:
i think it's the money thing that makes me the most crazy. NYC is a playground for the rich and kids with rich parents. Then it is all fine and good. For a while it was fine for me too - in that I could persue my wonderful dreams and ambitions of the serious artmaking. but guess what? no dice there. so now I am a bitter oldy. not really, but I am seeing more clearly that my priorities, objectives, reasoning are all f'd up.
god, i should erase that last comment. Sorry. don't comment. forget it. I mean, I am bitter, etc. but ? At least I am not missing a leg. but if I had a fatal illness then the questions would be solved maybe.
trying to work up the hope is tiring me out. is it just me? do i need to pick up a drug habit?
see - this is what happens with no drinks for 2 days. but - I am going to the contortion celebration later to focus on nothing. stretcher magoo.
where should I move? or - - how can i make a ton of money legally without suicide inducing?
FB, I heart you.
FB - maybe yes, it always is so hard everywhere, but not to the same degree everyday, all the time. you don't need to apologize for these posts.
Me too, Krix. Really. You are so funny in your sadness and anger. I wish I could help somehow, but sadly I think all I can do is nod silently, type something silly and tell you again and again how great you are. You are! This may be worth nothing to you in a bad mood but I showed your work to my class yesterday along with the work of many others and they were enchanted. Yes, there was FB up with all the good painters we love, and I was proud to say I went to school with you. Bud Wise was thrilled to pieces to find your work and look at your website, just saying.
You are a good good egg. Your rants are totally understandable and I think everyone relates somehow, you are just so honest and it is but a tiny part of your charms.
Double and triple hearts and wishes for calm. Stretcher magoo will assist, I am sure.
FB, don't give up on the wonderful dreams and ambitions of serious artmaking... you are not as old as you think -- and definitely not as old as I am! Your relics are great and they will be recognized one day. You just have to keep plugging away, as dreary as that sounds.
By the way, I stopped by Mr. J.B.'s gallery the other day & dropped your name. Maybe we can get something going for you there? He is so nice and sane.
Go with the Slothy to JB! Methinks he will be pleased to make your aquaintance. Your relics need a good, loving home, maybe that will help?
you guys are too sweet to me. you really are. thank you! i am putting the thoughts away for tonight. i opened a bottle of very nice pinot noir to have with my left over mac and cheese - post stretcher magoo - and I am mellowing out now. i just have this midwestern brutal honesty/practicality quotient that is hard to silence. i tried to get out of going to beige tomorrow but they weren't having it.
Thank you mm about the bud wise. that cheers me up. and sloth, you are superb. I will need to make contact with this JB. I have new relics, painted ones that I am kind of into right now. I always assume wizards won't get it but maybe not.
I need to make you all dinner. a fancy dinner. martin, you can come to.
although you will need to use your special transportation chamber to beam yourself. or we can set up a remote video feed.
You are too special FB! You must remember that. I second and third MM & Sloth's emotions.
FB, I was thinking about your post while at the shaq this eve, and what i came up with was this: let's say you have a wee one... you live in Bushwick, this is true. Not the ideal school district. However, the kidlet would not be going to school for several years, giving you time to (a) build more equity in yr house, and (b) research places you might like to live. There are affordable neighborhoods in the boroughs. Friend JD lives in Jackson Heights, where there are real bargains to be had. Another friend Bought a cute house in Ridgewood, not so far from where you are now. Maybe you would be willing to downscale from house to 2-bedroom apartment...? I wonder what you could get in Park Slope. I know the schools are good there. It's a compromise, but it sounds like you might not be happy giving up on NYC, plus we would miss you too much.
p.s. do yourselves a favor: go here for dinner:
http://www.yelp.com/biz/cKGi-erQrad9lf87VH6cjA
It's an adorable italian restaurant with really good homemade pasta. It's fairly near your house. While you're at it, check out the nabe; our friend lives around there - he's a painter too.
you are right sloth, i know. ridgewood is super cute and that is where we figure we will go... ridgewood/glendale/forest hills area - the schools are better there. I know. I get all worked up. it's silly really - there are always alternatives. I guess I just stress out sometimes when I see my friends who have things 'all worked out' and everything is perfect and I am quite the opposite.
also - there is a recommended school in bushwick (kids have to test to get in) - we could always try that too. when/if the time comes. the phillipa schyuler academy or something on bushwick ave. supposed to good. and there is always paying for private school when my relics start going for hundreds of thousands! ha.
thanks for thinking of me! It is hard in that there are few good school districts in brooklyn it seems like. prospect heights, clinton hill, etc are all lagging behind...
I have heard about this italian place. Thank you!! Maybe arthur and I will try it this weekend - totally in our neck of the woods!
FB, you have more going for you than you think - loving relationship, friends, house, mad skills, smarts... there are burdens, but there is also good stuff, right? You are a sensitive FB, and prone to the delightful self-torture of many of us relic-makers. I am sending pats & hugs of soothing comfort. If that doesn't work, I will messenger over an oxycontini.
I know sloth, i am the completely cliched totured artist! embarrassing but true. I still don't know how arthur puts up with me.
I can say that the contortions and booze are very helpful. I think it was yoga withdrawal, seriously. I just needed a night off.
a night of no relics. i have been working on a commission thing and it has been stressing me out - but I sent them 2 examples and it is all fine. i over-worry. gah. ok.
I have thought about your questions too FB. I've often wondered if I would stay in NYC after I complete my NYU stuff. There is the money thing, and the always struggling thing, and my longing to work for people who have a hippie/collaborative/west coast mind set (if that company exists out here direct me to it.)
I do not think you are bitter, just laying it out there.
PS: I am loving Sloth's idea of meeting the new wizard. It sounds most excellent!
hey fb
i havent been here much but i sometimes come to your blog because i love the way you write and i'm a huge fan that you dont even know! so i was sad to come here tonight and read this sorrowful and understandable rant. and I have never commented but just for another two cents from someone you dont already know, i think you're rad and hope you dont move away or anything like that. it will get better, it will work out. have faith.
I don't know you and you don't know me. I picked up your blog while hanging out looking at comments on the painters blog. I am an artist (white female age 34) in flyover land.
I've got some of the same angst as you, although it is all about different things: for instance you wonder if you you need to get out of New York, and I always wonder if I made a mistake by choosing to stay in the Midwest! Yeah you will have heard what I am about to say before (this is what I tell myself to keep from going nuts) you HAVE to believe that I am where I am supposed to be doing what I am supposed to be doing for some kind of reason. And if I got what I think I want: critical acclaim/comfort/a child it's just a different set of problems that would be needed to be dealt with. Keep on keepin on.
Wonderful and informative web site. I used information from that site its great. What does water do to your penis Smoker term insurance rate used laptop sales index.php term pamela sue anderson how to buy viagra is percocet generic daily requirements calories fat vitamins Roulette pay off formula viagra for man and woman Proactiv cleanser toner 4 oz new sealed
Post a Comment