Wednesday, January 25, 2006

harshness

Lately the blog spirit has been low and the hamster-treadmill tedium of my days high. I have been harshing out. ask arthur. the buffalo painting is in the punishment corner. badness. so basically I'm a big liar. I wrote recently that i have been better at staying emotionally distanced when in the studio. You know, not going there. Well, i have relapsed.

Here are some things which i could benefit from which will probably not come to pass:
  • numerous vials of liquid hope

  • sense of entitlement

  • self-confidence of a chump

  • quitting tedious, monotonous, job

  • selling a shitload of paintings

  • sense of purpose in life of any kind

My butler is working on the liquid hope elixir. I wonder if prozac is a good substitute? denial, intertia, and distraction (the triplett sisters) haven't been working as well as usual. Sorry to be so morose but that is how it is. the orchestra plays its tiny violins in unsion on mars. So. I have decided that the answer to all of this will be a new form of FB. Self discipline of the highest kind. Constant movement and doing. I will emerge from my cocoon as a task-master of me. I see no other option.

11 comments:

fairy butler said...

i am going to be doing and moving so quickly, like a hummingbird, that you will need to squint to catch a glimpse. i will subsist on tiny crusts of french bread, goat milk, and runts. my cuticles will always be there to provide a snack if money is tight.

Mountain Man said...

FB no it's not just you. I will assist in making the liquid vial of hope...these are things I am constantly reminding myself of - rise above the badness, the doubts, the inertia, the rage, all the inner and outer worries and problems. The only choice is to rise above all the shit and work hard, trying to focus the malfeasant energy into lovely items. Your job seems a source of terribleness. Can you find another? Is it worth it to waste time looking? I want you to get your way. You can chop me if you like. My limbs will grow back like an earthworm.

Make a nice mental comb for all the teased areas in your head. Smooth them out nice and soft and drink some Dr. Pepper. You know you are loved by many. I hope you know. We are all rooting for FB like cheerleaders in the morning noon and night!!!

Mountain Man said...

Runts and cuticles. Yum. You are an unusual creature.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you need an invisible petloaf to carry with you on a small leash in your spacebag. The petloaf will spur you into ecstatic fervor.

fairy butler said...

ok, harsh question - is the rising above just self-delusion? honestly one must anyway, i suppose, but sometimes i resist because i feel like the solving is not taking place. just more multi-layered delusions. it is hard to tell. yes, the beige is bad. but i must have a job of some kind. i fantasized last eve about quitting and taking a couple of months off to work in the studio only. then getting a different job. if i would feel better. ? it's just that i feel like i have no time.hence my new quest for ultimate time-management. the meeting with the boss may be an opportunity for me to request a more flexible number of hours here and more pay with responsibility.

thanks for the kind words mm. i am sorry to blog about all of this but somehow it helps. therapy blog.

note: the task-master time-strategy does not apply to beige work.

Mountain Man said...

Rising above, to me, is the hardest thing to do but such a relief when it happens. I guess it depends how you define it, whether it is self-delusion or not. I think it is a survival strategy when you are a sensitive type. When it all seems pointless and horrid making pains in the stomach and all you see is fruitless labor that doesn't pay off (in terms of art, work, people, whatever), you have 2 choices, either torture yourself with all the things that make you mad and make you dread yourself and the world, or try to forget about it and make something nice for yourself and others. There are many ways to do this. Sometimes I feel better when I just say hi to the lady at the grocery store. Sometimes I feel better when I draw. Or make bracelets out of staples. Or breathe deeply in the bathroom. I dunno. I am trying to be less self-hating, myself, because it stops me from being with others properly and from getting work done, the good kind.

Sorry to be so long-winded and I may be totally misinterpreting what you are saying in sharing my own experience but like you said, blog therapy. Now I have to stop blogging and get some work done!!!

Hugs,

MM

fairy butler said...

i appreciate your frankness and lovely hug-words mm. i keep trying to be more of an adult. adament mind's eye on the prize - shutting off the valve of bad. it is seriously a constant course of action for me. i need brain surgery. actually, i need to just be left alone for 3 days i think.
maybe i should watch more reality television. ugh. enough.

i hope your relic day is a good one!

fairy butler said...

arthur, i am sorry you have to live with me sometimes. sorry.

Mountain Man said...

I often feel sorry for UF too. For same reasons. But they love us anyway, I wish they could receive a lotto for this.

Anonymous said...

FB. . .I'll bet you could also find another beige. Maybe it is not THAT beige but just beige in general. I'm sure that particular beige has it's crapola like my beige but mostly it seems like its the fact that you have to be there and its taking you away from what you want to do.

If I won the lotto, I would sponsor you, just like back in the renaissance. I would ask for a alterpiece of red tailed hawks, buffalos, kittens and wild stallions with a background of majestic mountains. But then I would say, "well, you just do what you want because you make the beautiful relics."

fairy butler said...

ok krix. when you are making the mega bucks at your new fancy pants job!!! we have a deal.

my plan is to try and stay focused - better scheduling of my time. less slacking. we shall see. task-master fb.