Wednesday, December 28, 2005

where to start

The holidays have left me a stuffed pig filled with salty impatience and a bland stewy hatred of humankind. I am tapped out. Completely. Beige is somewhat of a relief. I anticipate much hiding in the days forthcoming. I will pop out at new years with renewed vigor and most likely return straight to the underworld.

Here are some thoughts on the holidaze:

1. getting old and senile sucks ass
2. talking nonstop is tiring to the listener.
3. football game watching makes me want to stab myself in the throat
4. sweatpants should not be worn in airports
5. people should be less fat
6. everyone should own a chocolate fountain
7. using all your vacation time to visit relatives is the poops
8. listening to the judging family members gets very old
9. discussing politics among family leads to trouble (it wasn't me)
10. alcohol is not as effective as one might imagine
11. red-tailed hawks kick-ass - as do buffalos and cows

16 comments:

burrito brother said...

Eleven astute observations regarding the yuletide season, fb, especially re: MidWest-land. But don't you see that six contradicts five??? You can't own your own Chocofix and then eat it too... And my advice in regards to number ten: up the dosage.
Big shout-out to the 2-tone Twins!

fairy butler said...

bb, what are 2-tone Twins?

burrito brother said...

sorry, they're my little peeps.
look at www.presenhuber.com
look at the title of the show...

burrito brother said...

p.s.-
I just ate 2/5 of a six year-old's gingerbread house.
Happy Holidaze.

krixfort said...

I was going to ask you how the holidays went but methinks I have the answer.

krixfort said...

I sequestered myself away, vainly trying not to answer the phone but Minerva guilted me into answering.

Mountain Man said...

Good list FB. I have things to add. Later, later. I am currently being ordered around in the dark living room of the soul.

Mountain Man said...

Ordered around by my mother. She is very anxious that all things get put away within 10 seconds of asking.

Chew Toy of a Whore said...

Alcohol, I agree, is sadly less effective than you would want at holiday time. What works? I cannot tell you. Self-mutilation is unamenable to others but that is what I am interested in. Self tattoo deliverance at the table.

fairy butler said...

i practiced a form meditation/mutilation involving the rip of cuticle dance blood potion snagg-a-roo. have you tried it?

MM!! put away your implements this minute. i am timing you.

happy new tood said...

Holidaze it seems are about the relatives getting to see you and not about actual vacation. One year, before the munchkin, we went to mexico for xmas. I felt guilty (for a minute). It was nice.

My Christmas dinner consisted of "oyster stew" (oysters boiled in milk with a bit of butter and salt), 5 different kinds of crackers, tiny pickles, tiny carrots(the only veggie I ate all weekend, unless you count canned corn) and 7 diff. kinds of jello something-or-other. No alcohol because step-cousin just got out of rehab. Top that! weeeeeee.

Oh and the bed I slept in was my grandma's (god bless yer soul, I miss her) because my dad is too cheap to buy anything new.

sha na said...

Mmmmmm...oyster stew with baby vegetable tray. warms the cockles of the heart

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