maybe i am being a baby.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
no hope
is it the mugs? the relentless sameness of my days? idealistic nature conflict with reality? hateful state of US government? today I have no hope. none. gone. done. i will just get through, pretend. one of only hopeful elements are the zinnias. these are my new favorite friends.
maybe i am being a baby.
maybe i am being a baby.
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37 comments:
i constantly feel like i am not doing "enough" long list of things i should be doing but I do not want to do. confusion and toil. arthur believes too much energy is spent on my part in the success vs failure war. need brain replacement, neutralize, kill thoughts. where to find value.
i need an enclosed space or i will begin to inflict others. reverse. become migrant worker.
the internal measures of success/failure are the hardest and most nebulous measures.
is this normal? is something seriously amiss? i cannot work up the energy to even consider the flesh bites today. maybe it will come. i have to be good and sit in pen while buttocks expand and numb, fanning out and draping over sides of medically approved posture chair. i am beginning to develop a new "beige-appropriate" identity, one where i am jovial and satisfied and only think about movies, buying things, and lunch. i will talk about my cat more.
i will take out the security badges from my bag and attach them with clips to my waistline, making sure to almost hide them in the waist folds. Maybe I will wear them as a necklace though, depending on my outfit. I am going to bring in a plushy dilbert toy and a family circus page-a-day calendar. I will start to care about my contribution to the beige ether.
i will begin to watch reality shows and share good tidings with the suits.
I often feel like i am turning into the stapler guy in office space.
my sharpness cuts into you - headless time.
it is time for the pizza party now. really.
FB do not succumb to beige. Hang on to your soul. Consumption is NOT entertainment. Do not let beige oppress.
Hammy, that could turn out to be lucrative.
i don't think it is just the beige. this is the problem. the meaninglessness of all. art goals are not valued in world. i am supposed to market self, i guess. i am supposed to be "meeting influential people" or something like that. i wonder if i am supposed to take a hint and get out now.
seriously. i don't want to go to chelsea and look at art. it feels so tiresome and depressing, schlumping around. it leads to more dark spiraling. when is the time when I can just do what I want and not care and not be in trouble with myself? hmmmm.
if i could sell one drawing a day for 100-200$ that would be fine. it will not happen. i am out of touch with the world at large. pain in gullet. still teenager i guess.
FB, the only thing valued in this culture it seems is commerce. Mixfort and I were talking about how she feels like the things that she values are completely discounted by society.
I am not sure how to reconcile having a value system that seems to be at odds with the world at large but I know that I would rather be there than not.
I agree with Hams.
It's got to be hard to make anything if you are thinking too much about sell-a-bility. Is it possible to push that to the side?
believe me. i don't think about marketability much at all. i prefer to not think about it ever and that is fine. but i feel like i am supposed to care about the art out there and that I have some responsibility to view it to know what's going on. but it feels like a chore and then I will run into someone and then have a weird conversation. i don't know. it just gets so tiring to feel like i have all these art career chores nagging me. i should just go out on saturday and stroll for 2 hours and pay my penance. it's not that big of deal really. i'm crazy.
i hate being a crazy conflicted wacko. where to place value and ambition? art and commerce are not meant to co-exist.
Krix, your comment:
"FB, the only thing valued in this culture it seems is commerce. Mixfort and I were talking about how she feels like the things that she values are completely discounted by society."
"I am not sure how to reconcile having a value system that seems to be at odds with the world at large but I know that I would rather be there than not."
this is right on the money and cause of central identity crises and pain in gullet.
i am going to look for other humans in lunch room now for a bit. more coffee.
Thank you for the zinnias, FB. Nice flowers, good flowers. Maybe plant some flowers?
it is ugly conundrum HP. I did not win lotto again so I cannot become the patron of the arts that I would like to become.
slothy, good idea. nature nurtures.
fave flower: hyacinths
I just got to the beige--YAY for a half day.
FB: You should always be doing what you want!! This way, when it is time to get the work out there again, you have solid pieces that you really stand behind. You just had an amazing show and sold some pieces. Now you have the freedom to go back in the shack and have a good time with painting. Success is measured in many ways.
Are these your zinnias FB?
I love zinnias too. We always had them in our garden when I was a kid.
if you were having a baby. that would be cool.
I have zinnias out there, but these pictured our not mine. they are similar. my zinnias are another hope beacon.
krix, I also have hyacinths, but they are all done.
The cleaning woman, let's call her Taffy, is here. She is in the back clanking glasses. She will most likely break one.
Hi Fairy! Fly free fairy into the land of nudism, is my answer for you. Nudism will calm your nerves, like palmolive on wizened hands. I am sure your co-workers will not mind.
i am licking some toads and removing my bottoms.
MM, are you nude? Is it difficult to be a Mountain Man with a Mountain Man's pelt on a hot day like today?
YES!!! I AM NUDE!!!!!!!!! It doesn't feel as good as it should though due to the profusion of hairs, as you have so keenly noted. It feels pretty good, but not great. Fairy, it may be better for you, I don't know.
the mesh bottom chair is creating a delightful pattern on my nether-regions. i am a bit chilled, however.
I may get naked too. I'll wait 'til Taffy comes over to my desk....
This checker pattern is good for gaming, no?
Yes! You can play Battleship.
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