Thursday, February 17, 2005


Just this afternoon my fairy butler (silky peach hair, eating irish-cream-soaked plums, humming a jaunty tune, joyful even) went to collect the mail correspondences. "Ah," he thought to himself as he sorted through the small stack of credit card applications, "a correspondence from one of New York City's premiere alternative-space galleries. Surely they will have good news for my master."

I daintily ripped right into it. Please allow me to quote a few lines:

Although I appreciated the opportunity to review your materials, I regret to inform you that they will not be incorporated into our Curated Artist Registry. I realize that this is a potential disappointment to you, but I hope that you can understand that this process is extremely competitive, and that only a very small percentage of submissions are accepted.

My FB flew into a rage that would compete with the most murderous thunderstorms. The plants shriveled in their pots, the trees shook their branches, the squirrels took up arms, the rats assumed a military line-up. I tried to calm him down but he kept mumbling in dark, evil tones the words, "potential dissappointment to you," over and over while fixing his eyes like a schizophrenic feline. There was nothing i could do. He disappeared in a cloud of gray green fog.

Should I call the director of this special alternative space to warn him? I think not.


Damian said...

Yes warn them! let them wet themselves in fear as your fairy friend unleashes the might of thirty demons in a firey whirlwind of thunderous termoil. Let him warm his teeth on their necks as their shrieks threaten to tear down the wall around them.

Let the rats clean up the mess

mountain man said...

little miss, i think you should buy a sword and wield it around chelsea. if you wish, i will accompany you on your appointed rounds. i will wear my vest and take hormones to grow teats, i swear to you. i will bring my log to whittle while we walk. we will be a frightening pair to behold. we will drool in tandem.

join me!

fairy butler said...

My fairy butler is back but he won't tell me what has happened! I've been in direct correspondence with the rat army. They stand willing and waiting to join the assault against the chelsea heathens.

Anonymous said...

Herewithin lies the true, unedited missive spewed forth by the chelsea chumpaloo:

"Although I pretend to appreciate the opportunity to never actually review your materials, nor think of them in context or content, or with any sort of my own sense of imagination not already bestowed on my by other people's pathetic opinions, I pretend to regret to inform you that they will not be incorporated into our lamely narcissistic and nepotistic Curated Artist Registry. I don't really care that this is a potential disappointment to you, because I don't know you or have a sense of your worth because no one has told me you are cool. Nor do I care if you can understand that this process is extremely competitive and that only a very small percentage of submissions are accepted, because in reality it actually isn't, since we only talk to or recognize people we know by blood or money."

demonic entity said...

FB, Something similar happened to me today. I opened my mailbox to the dreaded yellow padded SASE. Inside were my returned slides. RETURNED from a place I didn't even feel was worth applying to. I just did it because lots of people I know did and got in.
The letter thanked me for my interest in the program and remarked that I could "reapply in the future, perhaps in a year's time when you have completed some new work." I don't think so. I wish I had a fairy butler too. I have lots of hate and am in need of an avenger.

anaba said...

Was it the Drawing Center? MAKE THEM look at your stuff.

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Anonymous said...

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